Tuesday, October 14, 2008
'Perplexed' lady left way before "at the alter", what to do?
Dear Dr. Jim
Hi. I have been courted by a nice man for a few months now; he has spoken of marriage and my moving in; I never brought up the subject.
I told him I was hesitant to get involved at this point with my brother dieing and loosing my job all in the same month he wanted to start dating.
He still seemed quite smitten the last time we were together, but then he did not call for 3 days and then quickly got off the phone and said he would call back soon before he left for a week long retreat.
I have never heard from him again; it has been over a week. What is the writing on the wall if any? He seemed like quite a stable sensible loving and honest man;
I am perplexed.
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Well, as much as I hate to say it, I do believe this guy was hurting.
Please do not take this personally, but be prepared to go on. They have taught me that there are other fish in the sea. Now you continue with your business; do some occasional fishing when it seems right.
First of all, he came on pretty strong wanting you to give that much dedication to you (moving in or marriage). Yes, to speak and hint is probably acceptable but if he was sincere in his asking then he should be prepared to accept waiting.
Secondly, it seems that he was overwhelmed by your unexpected answer. It seems to me that if he was starting to care for you in a permanent way he would be concerned for your situation, offer you some condolences, and possibly even offer some assistance when you were needing.
Now he may have been thinking about this for those three days and decided he did not want to make a commitment this great at this time. Or that he thought since you now were unemployed that the sharing living arrangement would be helping.
I suppose we will never know.
Now, what happened to him? His plane could have crashed. He could have gone back to an "ex" that he hadn't told you about. Or just plain got cold feet.
If you haven't seen him by now (I was sort of waiting to see if he had reappeared in your life) then he is avoiding you or you don't go where he is anymore.
What to do?
You could call him. Just to have closure on this matter, see if he is alright physically and tell him you have enjoyed his company while it lasted. AND THEN, ask him where in the H*ll he has been and that it was very inconsiderate for him to not call you.
Or write him off as a loser. Yes, he may be timid and undecided and not know what or how to do anything about your situation from here on out.
If you really care for him and you think after all this that he is genuine but lacking the tact or courage to carry on, you could talk to a specialist in this area.
I would suggest your pastor if you have one and if you want him to know of this situation. If you would rather he not know, then find pastor in a different church that has an active singles ministry.
I hope this helps a little bit, this is a delicate time in your life.
One last item, my Mom used to tell me (quite often) that I would not find a nice girl in a bar. I have always remembered that.
All people have quirks, I have a lot, just ask Mrs. Jim. But she didn't find me in a bar, rather at a social gathering where friends and neighbors were gathered for a meal. Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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