Dear Dr. Jim
I am having trouble with my car. Could it have a mind of its own?
Every time I pass by a MacDonald's it wants to turn in. Several times it has done that on its own, just drove in and parked.
Most of the time this happens I don't know in advance until we are in the lot, parked.
When I do realize in time to avoid that place the steering wheel often pulls beyond my strength. Then, once more I am parked in the lot.
I could drive back out but I just don't have the will power to do that. So I go in and have a couple of cheeseburgers, fries, and a drink. Most times I finish with a hot fudge sundae since they are on the dollar menu right now.
Please help me, Dr. Jim. I am gaining weight. Things are out of control.
Happy Meal Hank in Freesburg, Virginia
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Dear H M Hank
This is one of those rare occasions where I cannot possibly believe what I am reading. A grown man, I assume, taken over by his car. A machine at that. Machines will not rule.
Having said that, most times I would trash a letter like yours.
However I sense a problem here. It is a genuine call for help. Help for an over-eater.
Please do not delay, but call your local OverEaters Anonymous as soon as possible.
Do not pass go but please pass the MacDonald's. I feel you are stopping at other fast foods as well even though your favorite may be MacDonald's.
Please read about Overeaters Anonymous on their Web site (link). When you are ready click on the top in the header, the "find a meeting" button.
I found twelve meeting locations within 25 miles of my home. They were meeting every day of the week! Even Saturday mornings. At the bottom, in red are these words, "You do NOT have to register to ATTEND any OA meeting."
I hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
And please do take advantage of these Overeating Anonymous people!
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
I really hated to write to you but my husband says that I must. He thinks you can help me.
So here is my problem. I just hate to get out of bed in the morning.
Hubby gets up at 5:30 every morning and jumps in the shower. Then he makes himself some breakfast and reads the paper. At 8:30 he heads off to work. On weekends every thing is an hour earlier and then he goes with his buddies all day to play golf.
He wants me to get up with him. I can't see any reason why. All there is for me to do is house and garden work and take care of the kids. I do have a nice outside job in the afternoon.
Sleep Deprived Sally in South Minneapolisville
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Dear Sally
It sounds to me like you don't have a life. Let us figure out how you might get one and stay married. (That may be an oxymoron.) Your situation appears to be more than a sleep problem.
I hate to say it, but it appears that your hubby has done 'family organization' as so many men in this world do, so you aren't alone. Done like in 'done deal.' But you didn't seem to be dealing, rather you were probably passive in this arrangement.
He sees it like this:
His duties are his job, eat, play golf. In that order.
He wants you to do house work, keep the kids. You might be lucky here as a lot of men want cooking and attention for themselves from the wife as well.
Since he had you write to me, then he may be open to this idea. You two sit down and rearrange your whole lives.
Make a general written daily schedule and put time for each other in that.
Next rearrange the activities. He should be doing chores after work, and if he insists on getting up that early he has an hour and a half or so do do chores in the morning, the kind that don't wake the rest of the family up.
In the last half hour of his morning chore time you make breakfast for him, the kids, and you. The kids can eat with you sometimes, others they can eat and run. It is important that at breakfast he have your company rather than the paper. Please do remember those kids can share in the family chores too if they are not already doing this.
In the evening let him prepare meals every other day or so. Regardless of whose turn to make supper, have family time during the meal. I hope the kids will sit down then too but that may be expecting too much. AND NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD ARGUE AT MEAL TIME, save that for someplace else in your schedule.
Remember this is just a start, you two will have to work out more. If things like this seem to give new hope to everyone, keep working on it.
If you can't get anything changed the go see a marriage counselor. Be prepared for divorce, he really isn't married right now, he is just living there having a good life. You then may have to get a full time job but with alimony and child support you will have about two thirds of his paycheck to live on.
I hope this helps and that hubby will cooperate, and that you can start getting more sleep,
Dr. Jim
Some resource reading:
Family chore chart ideas
Cooking for men ideas
Revitalize the marriage ideas
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
I sure do need your help. My wife hogs the computer here, and if she lets it loose the kids grab hold.
We can't afford two so mostly I am in the lurch. Once in a while I call in sick so that I can get on the computer during the day.
Other times I throw a fit (it would be a tantrum if I were a kid) about it and they all feel guilty. So then I may get to use it a little until they settle down and start begging with me for THEIR computer.
I really am missing my computer games and visiting with my FaceBook friends.
Please help me, Dr. Jim,
Andy in Andersonville, Arkansas
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Dear Andy (really AAA, huh?)
Well now, you have gotten yourself into a mess, haven't you.
Really now, we could see this coming since you are all bound to just the one computer. Unfortunately you have drawn the short straw and are pretty much left out of the rotation.
Our solution is to get you back into the rotation. You must call a family conference and ANNOUNCE that you also need some prime time computer time.
It would help if Mrs. Andy will support you in this. You can ANNOUNCE to her as well but things will go a lot easier for all if she approves ahead of time.
Here is what you do:
1. Divide the evening hours that you all have into 30-minute segments on a piece of paper. Keep in mind that some of the children may have earlier bed times than others and than you adults.
2. Have everyone write their preferences in time for all the slots, from one (1) to as many as you have in common.
3. Start at square number one and write the names of those who want this early time. Mrs. Andy may not want these early ones if she is going to prepare supper. THIS MAY BE THE TIME WHEN YOU SHARE--FROM HERE ON--IN THE PREPARATION OF MEALS to give her some prime time for reading her e-mails and the like.
4. In a hat, place the name token (that you have made for each) for those desiring this time. If possible let someone who has not wanted this time to draw. The name drawn will get the time.
5. Leave the name just drawn out and put in anyone else whose token is not in from the last drawing. Remove any one's who does not want this time. Let a person who is not in the hat draw. The person who won the last drawing would be good for this.
6. Repeat the process until all slots have names assigned. Easy way to do this, cross out everyone except the winner where they first wrote. You could have a fresh schedule but this leads to problems of one's word against the other about mistakes.
7. Put the all the name tokens back into the hat when it becomes empty. Watch that the distribution of times is equal until the kids start going to bed.
8. Repeat steps 5, 6, and 7 for all the days of the week. Weekends may be on hold until everyone's weekend schedule of activities is firmed up.
Some notes:
It will be obvious that the ones with later bedtimes get more time. Make sure that those with early bed times get their share until they go to bed.
You might want to start a family kitty for another computer. Put in everyone's spare change or a portion of it. Add an assessment of a portion of jobs and allowances, sort of like an income tax. You could have a lawn sale or do all sorts of things to get money.
I did not mention the kid's homework. Give compensation time for when they are not in the drawing because of homework. If some of the homework is to be done on the computer a priority can be had for this. You should watch over to keep them honest (part of their family training) to be doing only homework.
You and Mrs. Andy can each stop in briefly at the library if you pass near one so that you can get e-mail. You probably won't have time to answer, this can be done in your computing time.
A lot of people are doing the previously mentioned e-mail checking at computers at their work. Most firms don't care if privileges are not abused as this activity on company time and resources improves moral.
Hope this has helped you out of your problem, it really was/is a family problem.
Dr. Jim
A Colombo: I purposely referenced the AAA in my greeting because my idea for the solution to the computer time situation is similar to the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) approach to problem drinking.
And you, staying home from work just to play and use the computer. Talk about addictions, you need to think about this one. Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
Oh my, I have just had it. The seven kids cry all day long, my hubby hollers all time, and I cry even more than the kids. This has been going on ever since school got out this spring.
Dr. Jim, I really need your help, I just don't know how to get things straightened out.
Do you think I should run away when everyone is sleeping?
Pooped All the Time, in Cairo, Georgia
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Dear PAT
It sounds to me like you have a very severe case of the summer blahs.
What to do about it?
Running away might be the best for you. You'd be outa' here! Just don't look back, don't call, and move over to Alabama. There even if they find you they can't make you come back and they can't make you pay child support or give back the car and the money and all the stuff you take with you.
But what about the kids? I don't mean for you to take them, only half of your troubles would go away. It sounds like your hubby has a worse case of the summer blahs than you do.
No, what about the kids? Does Hubby holler at them too or just you?
If it is just you he hollers at I would have him seek professional help. The doc/shrink may want you to come too, most do. Then if that doesn't help him, ditch him. Be sure you can get the kids or their life will be miserable left there with that old coot.
If he hollers at the kids too, still he should try the help. If you run away, take the kids with you for their protection. I think they will stop crying over there in Alabama, it is a nice place. Except for their football teams, they play dirty pool (football) and are real bad.
What ever you do, the kids will need professional help as well. I'd say they will be much happier once you are happy but make sure a professional makes that decision.
Get a job over there in Alabama. Here (click, Alabama bad cafes) are some cafes you might want to stay away from in Alabama, eating or working.
A fresh surround is the best for you, with or without the old man.
Hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
Note: I picked Alabama to turn to because it is close, cheap, friendly, and is a fairly safe haven from the law. You are also close to Florida but they aren't cheap at all, their football teams also stink, and their law is archaic and favors men over women.
I like Dothan, Alabama for a medium sized town, Headland for a very friendly small one-horse town.
Doc Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
Dr. Jim, I am having lots of problems. I am getting so I can't see to drive anymore. I live alone and just can't make it to the grocery store, especially at night.
Another thing, the neighbors are all depending on me to get their commodities and make trips to store and post office, etc. I am the one with the truck, most of them can't drive or can't afford cars.
One man near me has a three wheel bicycle and he can go downtown for supplies and even eat at the corner deli. I couldn't see to get there.
I don't know what to do, my kids all live miles and miles away. I dearly love to go to church but am afraid to ask someone to come get me.
Whatever you say I think will work. I have read your advice piece here for a long time. Everything you say seems reasonable. That is unless you are joking a little with someone.
Old blind guy, getting blinder, Hank, in Happytown
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Dear Hank
Please don't put yourself down anymore. There is a lot of good life in the old stud (I say mare for the women reading this).
You just need to figure it out. I have several suggestions, you could choose. Then I will tell you which I would pick.
1. Go live in an inexpensive but nice and clean assisted living. They are set up just for people with the problems like you have. I would suggest a newer city owned facility. I would recommend Oakland, Nebraska. They may have a waiting list.
2. Eat crow and live with the kiddo. If you have a lot, you could stay here and there with some of them. My Dad wouldn't move to Texas so that was out for us and him. We would have enjoyed his company so much.
3. Check yourself in at a nursing home. That isn't often the best because they are set up to handle more critical needs than what you are experiencing.
4. Go on a cruise and find a nice but lonely lady that you get along with. Spread yourself around, very often one will suggest (in a hinting way) that you move in with each other. She could be your eyes you need. You could be a very nice companion that I'll bet she needs;.
These are the best I can come up with for now. Any of them ought to work, you will have to take some initiative for any of them for starts.
Me, I'd go to a nice affordable assisted living home. Get reports from relatives of people who live there, get your kids or you preacher to help you with this.
You will be independent and well cared for. The man-to-woman ratio is generally about one-to-eight at these.
Let me tell you one thing, those women all cluck after the guys who live there. That is an instinctive trait that women have.
Enjoy your changing life, hang in there, and I hope I have helped you,
Jim
Old yes, Hank, you may be an "Old blind guy, getting blinder" but please stop thinking of yourself that way. I don't want you to go pitying yourself. There is enough of that pitying one's self in the world already.
And stop worrying about the neighbors, you will get new friends. Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
My wife has unreal expectations from me. I love her company but just listen to this little vignette.
She wants me to go with her shopping for her some new clothes. It isn't the clothes or spending money I object to, but she always does this to me. She drags me along to every little store and several malls.
My feet are wearing out just thinking of all that walking. We go and go and go. I would say an easy five miles in just this one day.
And Dr. Jim, all the ladies trying on those little clothes and dresses look at me like I am a vagrant come in to ogle.
Besides that, this is the time this year for the U.S. Men's Clay Court Championships Matches. I hate to miss even a one of those.
So please can you help me, Please, Please, Please
I.M.P. in Toulouse, NH
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Well Mr. P, I can't feel very sorry for you. You should be grateful your BW (best wife) wants you to go shopping with you. Mine hardly ever invites me.
When she does, I always take plenty of reading material and my lap top. When my feet get tired, I find a bench outside (in your cold and snow, you might have to be inside), sit and read.
When I get tired of reading, I blog. I just love it that we have the Internet free all over the area. That was our first economic stimulus.
You shouldn't waste your time watching tennis. Besides most tennis fans (not the players) develop arthritis of the neck with all that twisting to see from side to side. Even the TV watcher fans get that.
Oh well, there probably isn't much help with you, but give her a break and be a nice little husband once in a while. It might do your marriage good, you can talk in the car and if she will sit with you on the bench, help things still more.
I hope this helps one of you, Dr. Jim
Note: I really don't mind being with and looking at all those women either. I get lots of smiles, winks, and pats. Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
Gotta tell you a story Dr. Jim.
In my younger years I was always preparing to sing in the hollow of his hand for at least one of my three sons and two daughters prior to there leaving on LDS missions.
Well one by one each one of them declined my invitation to sing. They are all grown but now I have seven grands probably to turn me down to sing at their farewells one by one.
The first leaves in Ten years, how do I get one of them to let me sing????
Please help here, Dr. Jim.
Worried in the Free U.S.A, Anon
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Dear Anon
This is a good question. A lot of people have similar situations, perhaps not in their singing but in other areas where their children and grand kids lose appreciation for their elders.
Just get another grand kid and catch him/her very young. Probably they don't realize anything is wrong until they age a little and get more experienced with singin'.
Other than that, there is no hope. My relatives, young and old have no love for my singing. They even all laugh when I sing the 'Happy Birthday Song" to them.
I might add this bit, just smile like I do and they will love you for what you are and how you try (yes, your singing as well).
Hope this helps, Dr. Jim
P.S. Mr. Anon, if you meant to not have this posted here please let me know, use the confidential comment link below. And if you did not, please forgive me. Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
I really like your advice column [sic] blog. We talk about it a lot at work around the water cooler and at home over the supper table.
What are your most popular questions asked so far? Since I am a reporter people think I should know that. I would like to know for myself also.
Nosey Newspaper Reporter in Sacramento, Bob
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Dear Bob
Thanks, a lot of people ask me that. Here is the skinny for the week as of today:
No. 1A: Just plain coming to Ask Dr. Jim (blog) without asking a question or seeking a title. These came to read and keep current with the column blog.
No. 1: Sue just wants to be hairy (armpits) -- Husband opposed (link)
No. 2: Her cat pees on the furniture -- reader is "annoyed" (link)
No. 3: "My wife is always late" says husband, "we need to know how to stop being late" (link)
No. 4: How often should he change his underwear (he won't change them) (link)
No. 5: Is his wife always right? (link)
No. 6: Why do Tigers eat and kill? Why do rabbits run? Kate wants a tiger and a rabbit for pets -- they won't cooperate, she knows! (link)
No. 7: Car's idler pulley bearings -- Stupid wife, ignorant husband, have argument about theirs (link)
No. 8: Do earlobes grow with aging? Still young reader is getting worried (link)
No. 9: Recipe for chocolate cake à la Snickers help needed by Ms. Reader in Farawayland (link)
No. 10: How to make rooster stop crowing in the middle of the night, Mr. Seed needs to know (link)
No. 11: Picky husband won't drink milk past its sell by date (link)
There you have it. This list was compiled by counting hits on the entry pages. You can vote for your favorites too, please read the bottom line here.
I threw in an extra, sorta' like a baker's dozen just in case someone doesn't like one of the first ten.
Usually No. 8, about ladies' earlobes growing, is around the top three. Do you think everyone knows this already so we are cutting back on the Googling for this.
Or we might blame it on the economy, people are just plain satisfied with what they have and don't want to spend money on their ears.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
One last item. I would appreciate readers voting (by leaving your comments) on their favorites. I will tabulate this for you in a comment later on.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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Dear Dr. Jim
Dr. Jim, please help me! I need it badly!
My husband sometimes would rather spend time with his buddies than with me. I think he may be gay or turning gay. Could this be the case?
With his buddies he works on cars, plays golf, and does all kinds of activities with those guys. One is especially close I think. He calls every day or two, they even go for coffee at MacDonald's.
We have been married for fifty-five years now and I don't think I can stand what I am seeing.
Scared and left at home in Poughkeepsie, Fran
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Dear Fran
Well, if it helps any it seems to me that your husband is a healthy and well adjusted fellow. Of course that isn't saying he couldn't be gay.
Here is the deal. Most men can't make friends with other guys. Their friends are only women, often just their wives at that. Sociologists say a well adjusted man will have a close buddy. A golfing buddy or card playing friend is typical.
That is easier for women, you probably have a close gossip friend and then perhaps a bridge circle or close coffee group. Most women do, IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU HAD BETTER GET A FRIEND. That is not of the utmost importance for men, but women need women to talk woman talk with.
I would think that after fifty-five years of marriage you would have figured all this out.
One problem is that women tend to be more jealous of their hubbies than most men are vice-versa. My closest friend ('Bill' we'll call him) around the age of twenty was a few years older and married. We worked on a racing car and would take it to the races on Saturday nights. I learned a lot that way.
One day his wife walked out of the house with a suitcase in her hand. When asked where she was headed, she told 'Bill' that since he liked that %$#@&+ car more than he loved her she was leaving. She left and divorced poor Bill.
That wasn't the end. Bill married a very sweet young lady. I should know she was sweet as for a while I hung around her sweet sister some until she got married also.
And we weren't and have never been gay.
For more reading on this subject check this link out. Read especially the third one (was when I looked) entitled Men and Friendship. Check some of these too.
And for goodness sake if you still feel this way about him go seek a professional for help. You pastor can recommend a competent worker.
Hope this helps, Dr. Jim
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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