Friday, August 14, 2009

Husband just wants a wife for a house and kid keeper

Dear Dr. Jim

I really hated to write to you but my husband says that I must. He thinks you can help me.

So here is my problem. I just hate to get out of bed in the morning.

Hubby gets up at 5:30 every morning and jumps in the shower. Then he makes himself some breakfast and reads the paper. At 8:30 he heads off to work. On weekends every thing is an hour earlier and then he goes with his buddies all day to play golf.

He wants me to get up with him. I can't see any reason why. All there is for me to do is house and garden work and take care of the kids. I do have a nice outside job in the afternoon.

Sleep Deprived Sally in South Minneapolisville

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Dear Sally

It sounds to me like you don't have a life. Let us figure out how you might get one and stay married. (That may be an oxymoron.) Your situation appears to be more than a sleep problem.

I hate to say it, but it appears that your hubby has done 'family organization' as so many men in this world do, so you aren't alone. Done like in 'done deal.' But you didn't seem to be dealing, rather you were probably passive in this arrangement.

He sees it like this:

His duties are his job, eat, play golf. In that order.

He wants you to do house work, keep the kids. You might be lucky here as a lot of men want cooking and attention for themselves from the wife as well.

Since he had you write to me, then he may be open to this idea. You two sit down and rearrange your whole lives.

Make a general written daily schedule and put time for each other in that.

Next rearrange the activities. He should be doing chores after work, and if he insists on getting up that early he has an hour and a half or so do do chores in the morning, the kind that don't wake the rest of the family up.

In the last half hour of his morning chore time you make breakfast for him, the kids, and you. The kids can eat with you sometimes, others they can eat and run. It is important that at breakfast he have your company rather than the paper. Please do remember those kids can share in the family chores too if they are not already doing this.

In the evening let him prepare meals every other day or so. Regardless of whose turn to make supper, have family time during the meal. I hope the kids will sit down then too but that may be expecting too much. AND NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD ARGUE AT MEAL TIME, save that for someplace else in your schedule.

Remember this is just a start, you two will have to work out more. If things like this seem to give new hope to everyone, keep working on it.

If you can't get anything changed the go see a marriage counselor. Be prepared for divorce, he really isn't married right now, he is just living there having a good life. You then may have to get a full time job but with alimony and child support you will have about two thirds of his paycheck to live on.

I hope this helps and that hubby will cooperate, and that you can start getting more sleep,

Dr. Jim

Some resource reading:
Family chore chart ideas
Cooking for men ideas
Revitalize the marriage ideas

So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Putz said...

yep jim hit the nail on the head....get up at 5 to start preparing his breakfast early......bake some bread for the neighbors and then train the kid to be good and proper and kind and generous and loyal and obiedient and helpful and friendly and then clean the house spiffy...disinfect everything in time for the swine flu arrival....etc etc don't need that a good book

Ray said...

Sally says her husband wants her to get up with him. Isn't that reason enough?

Her husband wants her company. How honored she should feel. Continue to deny his request, dear Sally, and one day he may prefer another woman's company--one who desires his enough to get up with him in the mornings.

Then see how badly Sally will want to get up with him--if she gets a second chance, that is.

White Forest said...

i am yet to come to that stage :)

Happy being single :) not for too long though :P

Gypsy Lala said...

Hi Jim, Thanks for visiting my blog. I am hosting for my weekend blog roll again this Sat, I will including your this blog, check it out on Sat.
Gypsy Lala

Jim said...

Thank you Gypsy L. I keep wanting to call you (the) Gypsy Lady. Please forgive me.
Anyway, thanks a lot, I do mean that. And I will look for your blog roll this Saturday.

rhymeswithplague said...

I think Dr. Jim is right and I think commenter Ray is either in some kind of time warp or on some kind of ego trip.

I am male and have been married to the same woman for 46 years, so I have a little experience in marital matters.

The three most important words a husband can say are "I love you." The two most important words a husband can say are "I'm sorry."
Both should be said frequently.

Gel said...

Good advice for others, but for
Gem and me, there ain't no way I'm getting out of bed that bleeping early! He exercises about 4 a.m. (He used to be up around 6 before he got in shape, but I'm happy he's doing for his health. SLeep is needed for mine and I can't fall asleep at 8 pm like him!)

Sometimes I see him at 4 a.m. because I'm a nightowl and I'm still awake. However, we do split the chores and there is plenty of (ahem) "bumping in the night" or "day." We share many activities but not ones very early or very late because he's a morning lark and I'm a nightowl. Ours is a happy union. (My Gem makes his own breakfast.) There's a give and take; we both have always worked full time or more and been highly involved in our child's life.