Monday, June 11, 2012

Finding a companion helps

Dear Dr. Jim

I am writing to you in hopes of finding myself a companion.  For six years now I have been seeing this doldrums older man.  Now I have realized that there is no hope for a lasting and God blessed relationship to develop from any more of living like this.

I am thirty-seven years old, female, and a Christian with blue eyes and blond hair.  My height is five foot five inches and I weigh 115 pounds.  I graduated in my high school in the top ten percent of my class and have attended college a year and a half studying English for a major.

I am sending you my picture but please do not post it on the Internet with this letter.

Thank you, Dr. Jim.  I hope very much that you can help me.

Bea (for Beatrice) in Butlerville, Nebraska

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Dear Ms. Bea

As you have been reading my posts of the past you will not find any matchmaking posts.  I do not wish to start finding people dates now or ever.  Your picture is fine but please don't go passing it around.  Looks alone doesn't go much beyond opening a door.

However I will try to give you a few hints.  First off, yes by all means ditch the old man.  That may be hard as you two have been knowing each other for several years now.  But after that time if he had thought very much of you he would have asked for your hand in marriage. 

That is the gentleman thing to do and you haven't mentioned that this has happened.  After a proposal then it is up to you as to what will follow.  Marriage I recommend as it helps cement this relationship by giving it a sense of permanency.

So assuming you two split, then consider yourself 'in the market' for a new companion.  Where to look?  My mother always told me that I would not find a nice girl in a bar.  Per her recommendation I suggest that you not let yourself be found in a bar.  For a Christian to be found in a bar it will always make you feel a little ashamed and demeaning to yourself.  Heaven only knows what the fellow will be thinking.

I would recommend that you find a church with a nice singles program and start visiting church and its activities frequently.  If they don't suit you look for another.

Another thing to do is to enroll in a college class at night.  It wouldn't hurt to finish your degree if you still want this training.  Or you could explore fields of study by taking the corresponding introductory classes.  If it fits your plan, then choose areas of study where there will be at least as many men in class as women, or more.

I always told my students to get a dog if their landlord would allow.  While it might be forward or hard because of timidness for someone to walk up and chat with one of the other sex there really aren't many problems with admiring a dog.  Of course he has to chit chat with you, the owner, about the pet as the pet can't return your comments in conversation. 

After a few times of this meeting with the pet it will be time for one of you to ask for a meeting in a different setting.  Like a coffee shop or a cozy, not-too-fancy, restaurant.  Or go to church or visit your class if the prof would concur.

It wouldn't have to be exactly like this but you get the drift.  Meet and get acquainted.  Then evaluate each other in light of each of your objectives and goals for a mate.  Who knows?  If love steps in then this will all come more naturally.  But give it a chance.

Amazon.com has self help dating books, as does your library.  Find one that seems to fit your situation. Amazon has these, and see if your library does: 
Dating for thirties (three titles); Dating for middle age (thirty-five titles, one works because I know some one who used one of these techniques).  Also Google can help try asking your librarian.

Hope this helped a little,  Dr. Jim

So, keep on keep'n on, and till then, "Please ask your question or leave your comment now!" (Just ask me and you will remain anonymous)

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2 comments:

Cathy said...

Good advice!

Judy SheldonWalker said...

I dated my husband for about that long before he married me. I had actually given up on him and signed up e-Harmony but he kept calling (I'd hang up) and having mutual friends call me. I would tell them I was through with him and please don't bring it up again. Well we are married for 8 years now. He was badly hurt and has a deep mistrust for females. If he truly does not want to lose her, he will come around, but will he be happy once he does. Marriage is not for everyone. Your advice is wonderful.

BTW, my father bought me my first car which he never let me drive. He sold it. I didn't get help with my purchase but know of lots of those who did. :-)