Dear Dr. Jim
This is very simple, but I need an answer fast!
My wife is leaving me and she wants most of our stuff. What can she have? To be nice I have let her have the seven kids, but now she want so much more.
Looking to be single, Pat in Woe Land
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Dear Pat
Guy, bone up! Any wife that has seven kids is deserving a loving husband, for sure you probably were mainly thinking of only one kind of love. [Hint: read 'the five kinds of love' (link) and try always in your relationships to maintain the proper balance of these]
It isn't too late to change, but I doubt your wife will come back. So, try to love her for the person she is, the mother of those seven kids, and don't cause any grief.
Start first in a loving manner (remember, the kids will benefit too) by giving her most of your worldly possessions. With seven kids the judge won't let you keep much anyway.
My best advice is for you both to have a good lawyer. Come to an agreement quickly, don't run up your legal fees over 'stuff' arguments.
Here is a list of things most women let the husband have, followed by my experience for each:
1. The dog or other pet. I didn't get either!
2. Your car or truck. I did get that, it was a '62 VW bug. She got the nice station wagon (remember it is for the kids too!).
3. The debts and bills. I got all of those, most credit cards were maxed and the store cards had high balances. I did get them all paid off, you can too.
4. The TV. Yes, I got the old one out in the garage.
5. Your tools. I got those.
6. Your ring. I had lost my ring in Dam B Lake (link) several years before. 'Nuf said.
This list came from a TV program, but it was a survey of 100 women and gives a fairly accurate idea of the generous thinking of those ladies.
Think about things, be realistic and loving still (but rebalance those five kinds of love now since you won't be married any more--i.e. nil on the Eros) and best of all, GET HAPPY and move to Happy Land, which is far away from your Woe Land.
I hope this helps, always,
Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
My husband and I are having a disagreement. I'm trying to raise up my kid like a little southern gentleman but my husband isn't much help.
I could go on and on about the faults on my list that my old geezer has, but I'll only name a few that are appropriate for my question today:
1. he was born in Ohio. There is nothing southern about Ohio so how would he know anything about anything southern in the first place?
2. he is an ignorant old cuss. He only went to the sixth grade and that was because his grandma would whip him if he stayed home; and
3. he cusses a lot. Southern gentlemen revere everything sacred and don't hardly even say H*ll or d*ng. He says both of these and won't even fly the southern flag for me.
I hope this gives you a hint of what I'm going through. We moved here from Boston and I just want my boy to have all the advantages we don't have. People actually are calling us Yankees to our faces.
Rebeca, now from Charleston
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Dear Rebeca
I have been checking into your situation, this is BIG STUFF!
First, you will never fit into the Charleston scene as a Charlestonite, you have to be born there of a native family stock to be a genuine Charlestonite. This lets your son out of that too, regardless of his behavior.
Your son may fit in a little better if when he marries, he can marry a Charlestonite. Although he will be a second class Charlestonite, that is almost as good as being the genuine Charlestonite as long as he stays married.
Your son will pick up some of those nice southern qualities if he hangs around those nice southern boys and put up with their guff. No gangs, no rowdies, none of anything like that.
He should learn to dance the waltz, address every lady as Ma'am, and in general be nice to the ladies. His dress should be fancy and 'Southern.'
Add to the list above, NEVER CUSS! That would help your hubby a lot right there.
And flying the southern flag would not be wanted, ever, from a Boston guy.
You might see what the now defunct Yahoo! Answers has to say about southern gentlemen (link). Stay away from Eric Clapton (YouTube link).
I hope this helps.
As always,
Dr. Jim
p.s. A lot of real Southern Men were whipped by their grandmas when they were little. Can your mother visit often? . Keep on, Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
Just a curiosity question for you, why do squirrels have bushy tails?
I hope you can help me.
Curious Georgette in Georgia
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Dear Curious George
I don't know but what this is a trick question. At any rate the answer is fairly easy.
For this, I refer to Webster:
Squirrel: "any of various small or medium-sized rodents (family Sciuridae, the squirrel family) ... as any of numerous New or Old World arboreal forms having a long bushy tail and strong hind legs"
Then, by definition, the varmint would not be a squirrel without its bushy tail (and strong hind legs).
And if you were serious,
I hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
I was in the Office Outpost office supply store yesterday and overheard the sales clerk talking with a customer.
He stated that the battery in the lap top computer the man was thinking of buying should be disconnected when charged and the computer was on AC power from the plug.
My husband says that is all malarkey as the new NiCad technology used in the rechargeable batteries can be left plugged in all the time.
Who is correct?
Scared To Not Pull the Plug, Tabby in Hoboken
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Dear Scared To Not Pull
You husband is almost correct this time. There was a time when lap tops used NiCad rechargeable batteries. They developed a memory as to where 'total discharge' was. Invariably this was wherever the batteries were charged from the last time.
Modern laptop batteries are Lithium Ion (LiIon) and will not be significantly overcharged and will not develop a memory if allowed to charge fully after battery operation.
They are very much subject to overcharging, but the modern lap top has electronic circuitry to carefully keep the batteries at optimum performance and prevent overcharging. LiIon's are not subject to memory characteristics to a great extent. [Reference link]
Periodically this circuitry needs to be recalibrated. Check your computer manual for the procedure on this or call the appropriate tech support line for your lap top. The above reference gives generic directions for the recalibrating effort.
You might do that store a favor by telling them and e-mailing them with this. And a copy of this Ask Dr. Jim (blog) session.
I hope this helped,
Dr. Jim
Some other battery tidbits:
°°°°Each computer is engineered for a certain battery. You should not place just any old battery that will fit into your computer. Buy what the lap top manufacturer requires.
°°°°Be sure to buy lithium ion batteries for your digital camera, most are AA cells. You should also get a charger made especially for the LiIon batteries.
°°°°[Here is a link for you Toyota Prious owners about overcharging your battery. It won't happen.]
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Dear Dr. Jim
My wife and I have been arguing about this, I hope you can tell us who is correct.
Our car was making screeching noises from under the hood. The repair shop diagnosed the problem as being with the idler pulley bearings.
The car was repaired to the tune of $568.40 so obviously those people did find the problem and correct it. Whether it was the idler pulley bearings or not, we have know way of knowing. They did fix our car, that is for sure.
Our argument is about the idler pulley bearings. Miss Know-it-all Mechanic-not says Simple, those are for when the car is resting, being idle. If it doesn't have good bearings then the car has no idea of where it is or where it is supposed to go after the rest is over. Period.
That is plain stupid, cars never know where they are, they just go where people tell them. I understand automobile mechanisms pretty well and know the idler pulley is to keep the engine running or pulled along when it is idling. Bearings keep the car straight as how to run when it gets busy again.
Thank you, Dr. Jim, for settling our argument.
Dave, the car hunk and affectionado of Burbank
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Dear Dave
If it helps, you are no closer than your wife to a correct definition. So please don't brag about this to your friends or your reputation as a car affectionado will tumble a little.
The idler pulley has nothing to do with the car at idle, it keeps a belt tight enough to not slip while turning the other pulleys. Those are located at the front of your engine and go around and around when the car engine is running.
If the idler pulley bearings get hot, they may freeze up making the pulley stop rolling with the belt. In turn, the belt wears quickly while rubbing against the stopped idler pulley and soon will begin fraying and break in a short time.
The stopped pulley can also stop the belt, causing wearing and breaking to occur very rapidly. The belt driven water pump pulley stoppage causes overheating that will ruin your engine. Head for your repair facility before it stops ASAP to prevent engine and other damage!
Why is it called an idler pulley? Because it doesn't have a load to pull. It just goes round and round, happily and idly along, not pulling a load and doing no work at all.
One word of self-protection here: ASK FOR THE REPLACED PARTS. Garages are required by law to give you--you must request this in the repair request--whatever they replace (it is yours) instead of throwing old parts away. This way you can see for yourself what went wrong.
After you look, be sure to turn them back in for a refund if you were charged a 'core charge.' This means the part can be rebuilt, often you were getting a rebuilt item in the repair. Rebuilding is especially common for water pumps and alternators.
I hope this has helped. Remember now you two, no name calling (I'll do that). Modern automobiles are complicated machinery and even the mechanics have to go back to school when new innovations are introduced.
Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
Well, I almost hate to write this for fear someone I know will read it.
But here goes. I want to disappear. Just plain drop out of site. Take out the trash Jack, and don't come back. No more, no more.
My wife has made life terrible for me, she even put a malicious report in our local paper! I swear I didn't have anything to do with that girl!
Yes, we work together and she would like to make homemaker trouble for me also. The crowning blow was after the girl bit me. What I didn't know was, after I got all the blood wiped off my ear and another friend put a band aid on it, that there was some lipstick still left.
Wouldn't you know, my wife found the lipstick smudge right in the middle of my ear. It wasn't close to the sore so it didn't get wiped off with the blood.
Please, Dr. Jim, could you help me hide out forever?
Seeking Asylum in Albany
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Dear Seeking
Your letter reminds me of the joke about "the pickle slicer who got fired too." It was funny, but very sad.
This is very hard on you, I can tell. Generally a loving wife will be terribly concerned when her husband comes home with injuries.
Your troubles are not insurmountable, but I cannot help you disappear. Dr. Kevorkian got eight years big time for helping people do that. (You might try this Google link for insight along with about 9,970,000 others asking your question.).
Are you trying to go to Albany to hide and disappear? Or do you live there and want to go somewhere else?
It does sound pretty suspicious to have the lipstick in the middle of your ear. A person can hardly do their biting in the middle of the ear. Even I would suspect how it got there.
You picked a poor choice for your fling, one who wanted to play for keeps instead of settling for second fiddle.
You should have looked in a mirror for several reasons, mostly to check the bandaging efforts of your other friend. The lipstick would have been evident then.
If you love your wife, then ask for forgiveness and please get your home life straightened out.
Then if wife hangs around still, learn to avoid as many of the above problem areas we have picked out as you can.
Or how about a motorcycle to fill your spare time? They don't leave lipstick or get you into so much trouble at home.
And just in principle, wipe your ears whenever you stop for an after hour pick-me-up.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
Today it's 'From Dr. Jim.' (link to Dr. Abby's post in question)
You see, Dear Abby has outdone you. You'd better go check her out.
Dr. Jim, aggitated in Texas
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OK, Jim, calm down.
Now I have no idea in the world why he asked her instead of me.
You could have done ten times better and we all know it.
But it was an April Fools Day letter so whay the hay? It was all for nothing except a laugh.
I may answer him some day in a serious manner, you never know.
I hope my dear readers didn't mind this post,
Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
Please, please, Dr. Jim, can you help me, quick!
I want so badly to cook like my mother-in-law but try as I can, it all tastes like cr*p. Even the dog won't eat most of the stuff I cook.
My husband visits his mother every day just to eat a decent meal. The worst part is that he has given up eating what I cook. He won't even try my food anymore. He makes his own breakfast, eats at noon with Mom, and stops at MacDonald's on the way home.
Hopeless Wanna Be Cook in Indiana
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Dear Ms. Hopeless
Cheer up, no one is hopeless. Even Elizabeth Bathory -- "The Blood Countess of Transylvania" back in 1560 had hope for a while! Of course she had to die for her heinous crimes, but no one hardly ever dies from bad cooking.
I truly believe you are a bad cook. We can fault your Mom here. No mother should ever turn a girl loose on a man unless she can cook good. Remember that old saying, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach?" You must be good looking or blonde. Then for a little while, cooking doesn't matter. But now I fear you are finding out.Quick, buy a copy of Betty Crocker's COOKBOOK. That is the easiest good cookbook around. Then read it, a lot. Learn the types of food and basic preparations. YOU CAN LEARN!
Next, have a sit-down-talk with Hubby. Pick his brain and find out exactly what his Mom cooked that he liked. Get some good recipes, you might even call her to ask for her recipe for a certain dish she made.
Then try it. Refine what you cook, write down every change to the recipe so you can go back to point X, or keep the latest addition. When you like it, ask Hubby to try it. Keep your fingers crossed. Don't expect him to like it real well, instead ask him how you might improve this dish.
You could even let Mom-in-law give her opinion. Wait till you and Hubby think it is pretty good.
If this doesn't work, go eat with Hubby. Bring the dog home some doggy bags. Buy it prepared dog food often. You didn't say if you have kids, for their sake, I hope not.
And please don't invite me unless you do learn cooking really good.
I hope this helps,
always, Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
I am a frustrated older, retired man who likes to write short poetry.
I have this problem, I have lost my respect since I retired.
Here is my little poem about that:
a couplet....
my retirement is the pits
i get not respect since i'm 66
Almost had it with this kind of life, Mr. Putz
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Well, Mr. Putz, I am very sorry about how you feel. To me, your poem is nice, though also very revealing.
Saying that, I've been there and done that! And am still in the recovery stage if there is such a thing.
Basically here are your problems:
(1) people no longer know you by your occupation, about you, it is "just that retired elderly fellow down the street;"
(2) your kids probably make more money than you do, way more, some of them;
(3) I don't think you live in a year-round temperate climate. Being snowed in for winters is the pits;
(4) you really don't have any hobbies you are proud of; and
(5) you like visiting and wasting time too much to get into the swing of things like you did when you worked. I surmise you have had an adventuresome life much like I had before you retired.
Now, some ideas. That is all I can do, I'm not a shrink or a professional advisor on personal life. BUT I AM VERY EXPERIENCED IN LIFE!
First get a nice hobby. My wife has pretty near outdone me on golf, so I dropped down on that. I do like to write and this may turn out to be how I am known. "Oh yes, he is the writer over in the Bentwater subdivision," "I know him," or, "I have heard of him."
Since you have been blogging about as long as I have, seem to have about the same amount of time or more than I have, and you also like to write, I'd say cash in on that.
See where poetry takes you. Make blogger friends with it. Here are 690,000 ideas on that aspect (click link # 1) or these 4,700 people who like writing poetry, and they blog about it (click link # 2). Since the latter group all have Blogger Blogs you have something in common with them right away.
You can go to your profile, then click on your interests for more ideas of getting with the bloggers. I just did a blogger search on "writing+poetry." to get the above 4,700.
I have heard you have a dog. Take it for walks in the neighborhood, you will meet a lot of friends that way. Around here, I am also known as "Adi's Grandfather."
You might want to look into training and using your dog as a therapy dog. Especially if you like to be helping people who are even less fortunate than you--there are many (click link # 3) or (click link # 4)! Check with the Delta Society if this interests you at all (click link # 5)
I have to stop here. You can brainstorm your interests, age, former occupation(s), religion, politics, etc, then find local or distant groups or individuals to share these interests with. And go to it, your new dignity is waiting for you!
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
My only child and his first wife moved into a townhome two doors from us the day after they got married.
I stayed completely out of their lives. I NEVER called, came over, or invited them over because I felt my son and daughter-in-law needed to establish themselves as their own family and that too close an involvement with my son would keep him tied to the ways of our family and interfere with my daughter-in-law's intentions for them.
If ever they invited my husband (my son's father) and I out with them, I never walked beside my son, and I talked with her instead of him so that she would know that I'm not competing for him.
I feel that I did the right thing and earned her trust because one day, after a year of her living close by, she told me that when they have children, she wants to move next door to me so I can help her raise them.
Here's my problem: My son has remarried. He and his new wife are much older now than when he first married. Is it still a good idea to keep so distant? I will gladly do so if it's best for their marriage. But since they are now older and more mature, must I still be so cautious? How should I treat my son and daughter-in-law?
Worried and Sleepless in Seaside
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Dear Worried and Sleepless
Yes, this has presented you with a very real dilemma. And hundreds of thousands across our land are experiencing these pangs too, or already have been.
The best advice for sure would be from a consensus of those prior participants but that is impossible for our purposes.
So my advice from personal experiences is to ENJOY YOUR GRANDKIDS the best you can! If your ex-daughter-in-law wants to make better friends, go for that also. For the sake of grandchild relations with you.
Most of my grandchildren are grown now and we have very good relationships. But it cannot rival the times when they were younger and we would go for rides or vacations and the like.
The more involved you are with the grandkids the fuller lives the all of you can have!
I hope this has helped,
Dr. Jim
Oh yes, as always, I advise professional guidance in areas like this should you feel your efforts are not right for the situations.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
My wife, Gloria Bea, is a pretty girl, she's beautiful. And she knows it! I love her very much, body and all!
A few details for you. First, she is young, just in her early twenties. Second, she is tall and her legs are longer than her body. Third, she wears high heals and shorts a lot of the time.
That is for her looks. The real problem is that she acting like some of those derelict young movie stars. She goes to clubs a lot after work, and although she doesn't drink (due to an injury when she was young), her friends all do.
Guess who is the designated driver? Gloria, of course. So far she has gotten two open container citations because of her friends. Not only that, but three times they have been booked due to the silliness of her friends.
It is no fun bailing her out of jail in the middle of the night. That is not the worst. We just took the easy route out and now she has three misdemeanors on her record. I don't wish to discuss the third situation, Gloria Bea was bad. Just bad.
The judge, after we plead guilty for the third time, told us next time she would have to go to prison. That next conviction would come under our state's three time loser law which says she must go to prison for at least two years as a repeat offender. I need your help quickly, think from seeing your legal background you might be able to help us.
I wish I had married a plain girl!
Almost Desperate Daniel in Chicago
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Oh gosh, Daniel, you have gotten yourself in a world of mess. I can tell you a few things but cannot help you. A lawyer on retainer will be your best help. And a shrink or two should be in order also.
First, Daniel, beauty is only skin deep. I hate to say it, but most men are naturally attracted by long-legged women. I am like that, one of my favorite songs is Legs (She's Got Legs, She Know How To Use Them) by ZZ Top (link)
You are right too in wondering if they are using those movies stars for role models. One very notorious young lady for you to study is Britney Spears (link). But if you two know all that already, then this lookup won't help much either.
That Judge is right, and Illinois got tough in 1994. Almost as tough as California and Texas! For a quick rundown on the Three Strikes Law (habitual offender laws , click link here) check here. That judge could have sent her away the last time. It probably took a judge in a higher court to do that, she would have to be referred there.
Next time? There hadn't better be a next time!
So bite the bullet, have Gloria stay out of clubs and away from those friends, and see a good CRIMINAL LAWYER right away. Your state is not as lenient as Michigan. Remember the play and the movie, Chicago. There is no sympathy just because the convicted is a woman.
Ask your attorney first for legal advice, then ask about some professional counseling for understanding the world, married life, and marriage and behavior situations, for both of you.
And no, you don't wish you had married a plain girl. Just wish the one you did marry would get some sense! And help her.
As always, Ask Dr. Jim
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Dear Dr. Jim
I met Ambre blogging and want to marry her, but we've never met face to face, and she is a little skittish about what her grown-up kids (and all those other bloggers!) might have to say about all this.
I know your background is in law, but it seems to me that, having lived 106 years, you probably know something about love and relationships, too. And how to deal with nosy bloggers. What course of action would you suggest for us?
signed... Mickie
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Well, Mickie, let me apologize for being so slow in answering your letter. I am truly sorry. Let us just say a lot of things happened.
My instincts say go for it, WITH CAUTION! Having said that, I did a little research and some soul searching from my experiences.
I did have a student who had been e-corresponding with a fellow for about six months and then wanted to meet and become engaged. They did. I have not had any contact with this (former) student since. I often wonder, was this guy OK, did they marry, or is her body still being eaten by the fishies in the sea.
So that was not much help, probably your hoped for fiance may be having similar worries about you. It is easier for her to cop-out and say that her kids and friends may not approve of you and the relationship than to tell you of her worries.
As I see it, your biggest job, and problem, is to get Andree to want to give you a chance. Then both of you could take it from there and proceed like a more conventional meeting which may lead to a relationship.
When I married Mrs. Jim my children were not asked by me and I don't think by Mrs. Jim (I did not ask her about this matter). I do believe the kids all liked Mrs. Jim a lot before the marriage. Why else would they all be so eager to participate in our wedding?
Not much research for you to show her. I did find these statistics: "17 percent of online daters--or nearly 3 million American adults--have turned online dates into a long-term relationship or marriage ... " according to Mark Penn's book Microtrends.
Also Ambre and you can read Trista Winnie's nice little article, Online Dating Can Lead To Marriage, in her Common Sense Blog. She discovered the above statistic by Penn. Then read the first few articles found in this Google search.
Although we are several generations apart, I basically agree with Trista, in that Online dating is now acceptable. From this belief I feel it is reasonable to presume that some of these relationships can lead to marriage.
OK, my common sense says to do these things:
1. Meet Ambre in person.
2. Don't push the marriage thing right now, just get to know each other personally.
3. Depending on your separation distance, do some dating. The distance will in part regulate how much dating.
4. Meet the kids. Try to establish some rapport with each other.
5. If things look good, mention marriage again.
6. I think you can handle it from here. Either one thing will lead to another or it may all fall apart. Time tells this thing, both of you must think there possibly is a future for the two of you with the kids.
You will notice I didn't give the bloggers the time of day. If you two get along, Ambre will just give a blog report of things and go on. The bloggers opinions will matter less and less to her.
I hope this helps a little, with Ambre and you.
Dr. Jim
One note here. If things don't work out, just go back to your blogging.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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Dear Dr. Jim
Sometimes I get so angry with my husband that I just want to rip his ears off?
Is this normal, or should I be worrying about something?
I hope you can help me here,
Donna in La La Land
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Well, Donna, you really hit a land mine here! Feelings like this when acted out can be disastrous. Do you know that is precisely what Jack the Ripper did with his victims before doing worse things to them (like killing them)?
Jack the Ripper would send the ears of his victims to the police after the commission of the crime. While the victim was bleeding profusely he would consummate his wrath, ultimately killing a poor innocent victim. Read this for a little more historical insight.
This is all the worse because your potential victim is the object of your wrath, your husband. And as they say, kill the first, the second is easier, and on and on.
What to do? Seek professional advice from your pastor. If you don't have one, look in the yellow pages under churches. Probably these will not help you as much as needed, but steer you to a competent professional who can.
Ordinarily I would suggest a divorce for you, but in your case I think you just might seek him out for ear ripping regardless of marital status.
So long, Donna, please don't become Donna the Ripper. I hope I have helped.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
My son, now age five is totally freaked out everytime he gets in the chair for a haircut. He acts like the barber is going to kill him everytime he goes.
Poor poor boy! This has been gong on now for two years and he stills freaks out every time he gets haircut.
He just had his haircut for this year last night and same reaction, the barber got so nervous because my son screamed and squealed as if the barber is going to end this poor boy's life.
What am I to do?
Freaked out too, Mom in the Augusta burbs
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Dear Freaked out Mom in the burbs
First thing, little boys should have their hair cut more than once a year. Shame on you, that is something you have control of.
He is old enough after two years of terror to make some choices so why not let him participate?
Try offering to cut his hair. It isn't that hard, while you are learning on him he will be looking better and better as the both of you progress.
His other choice would to act like a BIG BOY and stop all this fussing but go to the barber.
Talk with him to see what it is he doesn't like. Some kids have been pinched or otherwise frightened by the barber.
If that or other ilk has happened, offer to take him to a new barber, but only if he won't fuss. If he fusses, it is Mom in the burbs doing the cutting for years and years!
Hope this helps,
Dr. Jim
One more word here. I am the father of five children, I could never have been able to put with behavior like your kid is exhibiting. If there are no problems, then he is just getting attention. If necessary, I would give my kids the Wood Shed Cure, you may need to try that. Google that term if it is a strange one for you.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Dear Dr. Jim
Very frequently, you advise that people seek professional help. But many of us have lost faith in the professional community because of the many reports of their members' ineptitudes.
So how do we determine a competent professional?
Ray asked from South H.
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Dear Ray
Here are some rules about finding a competent professional:
1. Talk with your friends. They may know of some good professionals in the area you wish, or they may have had personal experience with some. Remember, you are looking for good points and bad points, no one, not even a professional, is perfect.
Note also that this makes you vulnerable, your friends will be asking (perhaps not to your face), 'why is Ray concerned with finding a good professional?'
I generally work around this problem by talking in disguised content, like 'my friend--a name you make up--is trying to find ...'
2. Make an appointment. Your gut feeling and instincts are good here. If you feel uneasy tell the person you think you will be getting several opinions.
Don't hurt the professional's feelings here. I once told an ear doctor who was having trouble diagnosing the ringing in my ears that 'it was all in my head, right?' That doc got mad, left the room and slammed the door on his way out. That was the end for us two.
He couldn't take a joke, at least not this one!
3. Do you realize you are writing a book of your life? Many don't. So is your professional, try to read his or hers the best you can.
The first volume is the e-mail log. Big brother can find those old risqué e-mailings and use them for evidence. Just look at our astronauts here in Houston and the poor District Attorney. Each of them have lost their jobs because of what was said (real steamy stuff) on cyber-space.
The second volume is in what you see on your computer. Not everyone can boast that they always watch and read just the good stuff. When I run into something on an acquaintance's blog or e-mail that is in poor taste, I remark to them that I had a hard time bringing it up. That I had to override my kiddie filter. Most times they will appologize and promise to straighten up some. Other times, they just Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: it without reading to the bottom. I did this once, to my own kids. It was embarassing, the punchline, which I didn't read, was not good.
The third volume of your book is compiled from your check book and credit card transaction records.
The latter tells where your practical values are. The first two reflect upon your moral life.
There is a saying, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Here and Luke 12:34)
4. Check with the professional registry. For example, the State Bar of Texas has on their Web site, after a search for a given attorney, all disciplinary actions taken against the lawyer for a period of ten years. Many other professionals have registries similar.
5. Be sure to check on your state on-line Sexual Preditor Search Registry (link) (Texas). You can search for problems here by entering the professional's home address. While you're at it, do a check on your own address to find any of those preditors who might be living near you and your children.
My list in not nearly comprehensive enough, but I feel it is a good start for you.
And as always, I hope I have helped you, Ray, and all the others who read these pages.
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Dr. Jim also tells us here:
... where a persons treasure is, there ...
Three indicators of what is important to you
e-mails and computer use
credit card use
checkbook
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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Dear Dr. Jim
Last night on TV I watched "Two and a Half Men" and the protagonist of the episode, Charlie Harper (played by Charlie Sheen) kept insisting that the older a woman gets the longer her ear lobes get. And, of course, that's why he doesn't want to date older women (He's around 40 and dates women in their 20s and 30s).
What I NEED to know is "Is it true?" Do women's ear lobes get longer as they age? This is a very important question to me. I don't want long, skinny, floppy ear lobes as I sail into my mature years or, rather, my maturer years. So far my ear lobes are firmish but I'm really scared. And if it's true that ear lobes sag, what does one do about it?
Is there a cream, or something to apply? Are there collagen injections for lobes? Is there some sort of surgery to tighten them? Please answer ASAP. I feel them stretching out as we speak!
Ms. Poet in Downstate
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Dear Ms. Poet
I am so glad you asked this question. Aging as it pertains to beauty may be the number one worry in the United States at the moment, just ahead of s*x, money, health, and politics.
A healthy outlook on aging will allow some worries about how we look in our older years, but an awfully lot of people get carried away. Fear of aging and its results often rises to the state of an unjustified phobia, called gerascophobia. Gerascophobic persons are prone to depression further compounding their situation.
All that is to let you know where I am coming from when I suggest you seek medical help. You must do this swiftly, procrastinating will see you soon shunning treatment that is needed.
I agree with you in that the earlobes do grow at older ages. I would suggest there are both medical and surgical treatments. You might read some of these references on-line (link). Especially appealing to me was an article on cosmetic surgery of "older patients who have a face-lift may choose to have their earlobes reduced at the same time because earlobes grow and stretch with aging, and may look out of proportion after a face-lift." (CNN.com 2002 cyber-article)
Some of these articles tell how the earlobes actually do grow in aging. When I read these, though, I felt you were not yet at this crucial age. And I did not find any plausible sounding crème to stop this growth.
By seeking professional help, even though there is no earlobe problem at your age, you will have a benchmark on the size of them while they still retain their normal beautiful length. Then by making periodic visits to your physician you can get accurate lobe growth rates and severity correlation when any growth does occur.
There is a bright side here. Have you noticed that older men tend to have very large noses and ears and other features from top to bottom, from their large balding head to their shoe sole like earlobes? Those men would trade for just having long earlobes and a little excess facial hair any day.
Problems of this sort often remind me of the old story of the fellow who lost twelve ugly pounds. How did he do it? He had his head cut off.
I hope I have helped a little in your situation. Aren't you glad you watched that TV program! Except for the hoped for growth preventative crèmes, you were on top of the problem here. Now you stay on top and go see your doctor very soon.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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Dear Dr. Jim
I'm having a problem with my Elmer, my cat. He is peeing on the furniture and all over the place, just hauls off and goes where he wants.
Last night was the last straw. I came home from the mall and guess what? He had peed on my jacket, my new and exotic Clara S. Zebra Jacket.
Now it smells to high Heaven. The cleaners say they can take out the stain but not the smell.
Annoyed by Elmer, Elma in Princeton
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Dear Annoyed
I can't stress to much here, the cat must stop it or go. He is creating a terribly unsanitary condition. You didn't say if you have kids but if you do they should be evacuated immediately! Cat pee in furniture is hazardous to health.
If he is going in just certain spots, you can try a good cat repellent. Most pet stores carry that. You have to spray every day in the places they go.
You might be interested in that I had a cat get into my pickup truck one night. That cat must have been drinking gallons. My leather jacket could not be redeemed, all her pee had saturated the lining. Your cleaner is right.
Another suggestion we used with a cat that kept climbing the draperies. That cat became an OUTSIDE CAT real fast!
"'Inappropriate elimination' is the No. 1 cat behavior problem. Betsy Lipscomb, founder of Cats International, a volunteer organization that provides free telephone counseling for desperate cat owners, told me that of the almost 5,000 calls she gets a year, nearly 90 percent are related to out-of-the-box soiling. It is the most common reason cats are turned in to shelters, where the likelihood is minuscule that a Persian cat who pees on the Persian carpet will find a new home." Me Against the Cat Pee By Emily Yoffe, Slate.
According to Ms. Lipscomb, having a clean and desirable litter box will solve 80% of the problems. Check it out to see if you are filling Elmer's bill here.
Incidentally, the Slate article is a rather old, but humorous, story about a cat who had Elmer's problems. I doubt if the article will help you much but a laugh always does some good some way.
I hope this has helped a little, why don't you try Google for more solutions.
I don't mean to scold, but had your jacket been hanging in the closet it would be fine today.
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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To leave a comment or non-private question, simply leave a comment below as usual. Cat Pee Pee Cat Advice Cat Advice
Antarctica Wave stuff is toward the bottom here.Dear Dr. Jim
My friend, let us call her Girl Friend, is loosing sleep. She says she is getting what she calls a "chick's ear." I have two problems with this.
First, she doesn't know how these words can be used and I certainly can't tell her how derogatory these words are towards her self image. These things are not spoken of around here. I think her friends are laughing at her behind her back.
The second is that her ears are very pretty, but she doesn't see them that way. She thinks they are too close to her head, like elf ears.
It may be her pillow is too hard, do you think that may be part of her problem?
At any rate please help me in know what to say to her about this and how perhaps I can help her.
Frustrated Boy Friend in Camden
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Dear Boy Friend
Wow! You guys both have quite a problem here! Have you ruled out that she may have a warped sense of body adoration? Please be honest with yourself and assess how you stand here. Then get to the root of any real problem as I relate a couple of possibilities below.
First let us address your first question about Chick's Ears. There are many definitions of this term. I relied on Google to help us all here (link to search chick's ear and elf's ear). I wouldn't use either one, Chick's Ear had many uses and doesn't explain much at all.
Elf's Ears on the other hand are flat, yes, but more on they seem to be romantic in nature. If I were to write a romance novel at this time, I certainly would have one of my main characters have these Elf's Ears. They are almost instant love, or love at first sight! I think Girl Friend would not like to be put in this spotlight either.
So, let's just say they are a little too flat. Now to look at the cause. First order could be hereditary, what do her parents and grandparents look like around the ears? In my unprofessional opinion, surgery only will correct this problem. Best to see her medical doctor.
The second leading cause is the improper use of the pillow. Approximately eighty-five percent of Americans use their pillow incorrectly. The ear should not lay ON THE PILLOW. Either sleep on the back or the stomach, doing this does much to help retain the structural integrity of the ear.
If Girl Friend insists on sleeping her side you might convince her to SLEEP DOWN ON THE PILLOW so her ear is off the pillow. I sleep this way myself.
If she can't seem to sleep this way, or moves up in her sleep, modification of the pillow is recommended. Cut an oval hole in the middle of the pillow, about five by three inches high and wide. She should lay her ear in the middle of this hole. A pillow case will keep others from noticing her strange looking pillow.
The principle of the hole in the pillow is that no head weight will be placed on the ear, allowing it to retain its natural shape. Additionally she should no long be awakened by a sore ear, sore from being held down. People with tail bone surgery and other medical problems have been using a similar cushion (hole in the middle) for ages. The same principle applies to the flat or sore ear, whichever.
I hope this helps you. Do not hesitate to see Girl Friend's medical doctor either.
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To the readers:
1. My ears had the opposite problem, they stuck out too far when I was born. For several years my mother taped my ears down. I now have normal ears. They may even be 'handsome.'
2. I have been researching some questions concerning instant freezing in the Artic. An e-mail has been circulating with 'photos.' The pictures appear to be hoaxes to me but none of the hoax sites even mention them.
Perhaps I am ahead of my time, soon enough people might ask at these hoax finder sites.
In the meantime I am inviting reader input. Do so in privacy here.Here is what I got:
"Subject: Fw: SURFS UP... Antarctica Wave"
"Make sure you see all the pictures. They are really incredible."
"This water froze the instant the wave broke through the ice. That's what it is like in Antarctica. Water freezes the instant it comes in contact with the air. The temperature of the water is already some degrees below freezing. Just look at how the wave froze in midair!"
Pictures (click on picture to enlarge):
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
"Please ask your question or leave your comment now!"
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Dear Dr. Jim
I've been confused. For a long time I have wanted a Tiger for a pet. And a little cotton-tail rabbit. But the rabbits all run from me and I've heard lately of deaths from ferocious tigers.
Why aren't these animals nice, playful, and docile like my cats?
Oh yes, to help you, they were all couped up with Noah on that ark and he didn't have any problems with the wild animals.
Animal Lover Kate in Pretoria, Indiana
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Dear Kate
I would suggest you not have either of those animals, nor any other wild animal as pets.
Yes, they were with Noah. They were friends of his, they all coexisted very nicely. That was back then.
Modern wild animals, ever since they departed the ark, have an inherent fear of people. Let's look at that for a moment.
Did Noah eat them for food while on the ark? No. Noah and his family were vegetarians.
Then, it all hit the fan! God said: "Noah, you can eat these animals. They will be ok for food!" He further went on and said to the animals, "I want you to fear all people from now on, because they will kill you and eat you." (see note below)
From that day on it changed. The larger animals tried to retaliate, they would kill man if they could to protect themselves from being eaten. Those who couldn't harm man became afraid of him and would run.
So now you know why tigers kill and rabbits run when you get too close.
I hope this helped.
Notes: Genesis 9:2-3 (Bible):
2 The fear and dread of you will fall upon all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands.
3 Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything. [The entire account of Noah and the ark, the animals, and the flood can be found in Genesis, Chapters 7, 8, and 9 (link)]
So, keep on keep'n on, and till then,
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Noah and the ark Animals Flood Noah's ark Tigers Vegetarian Ark Noah
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