Lonesome Lady Needs Friends

Dear Dr. Jim 

This is a hard to describe problem.  In a nutshell, I am lonely.

I shouldn't be because I am married but my hubby is a "Stick in the Mud".  He doesn't like to go anyplace except to work and to the gas station to gas up our car.  He watches a lot of TV, even travel pictures but they haven't shown him any place he might want to go.

We don't have any friends or relatives to speak of, I have a few Facebook "friends".  But I don't really know any of them, just they wanted to befriend me.  "The Stick" doesn't even do that or want a computer at all.  I would die without mine. 

I hope you can help me, 

Lonesome Beverly in Scranton 

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Well, Lonesome Beverly, this is a sweet and sour write today. I feel like a Dr. Jim help note is needed here. Best for you is to associate with a group of widow ladies, hoping that some of them also like to dance. There are always some lady couples on the dance floor. 

Far out, and really works better for men is to try for being a professional dance escort aboard a line of cruise ships. Who knows, you might fit with someone who really cares for you. That second one is sort of on my standby bucket list, in case I am the survivor partner in our marriage. 

Before we moved to the west suburb of Houston there were a group of widow ladies who had made a waiting list for me. That probably isn't now, dissolved, although two of them have moved here also. 

A tidbit, I holed up for three years after a painful and expensive divorce (13 years married) I fortunately was surprised by my now wife at a landlady's monthly supper. My roommate and his then girlfriend convinced Mrs. Jim to wait for me as I had a class that night. One never knows, we have been married 49 years; she likes dancing more than I do though we are dancing.  

I still have one Janis Joplin CD sitting next to my Willie Nelson CD to use for practice to keep my dancing up.  So why not take as cruise, leave "Stick" home.   

Who knows, on your own, you might decide to ditch the "Stick" and get on your own. 

I hope this helps, 

Wannabe Cruise Ship Dancer (when I retire) 

Dr. Jim, Professor  

So, keep on keep'n on, and till then, "Please ask your question or leave your comment now!" (Just ask me and you will remain anonymous) 

D.J. P

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TV football watching -- Wife wants to deprive husband

Dear Dr. Jim

I am asking you to give your opinion about a problem my husband has.

He loves to watch football on TV. That leaves me and the kids alone in the kitchen without any TV to watch.

Please tell him how selfish he is.

Thanking you, TV Deprived Woman, Gloriad in Garland, Texas

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Dear Texas Gloriad

This something I hear a lot.

But woman, what is the problem with you getting off your kitchen duff and joining your husband? Give him some company watching his games. If you learned more about football you might even get to like it.

I see so many families who let the little children take over the TV. This makes no sense at all to me. Father works hard to buy it, when he is around and there is something decent for him to watch by all means let him watch.

Family time can be around the TV but all should submit the remote to Dad.

Sorry about this one, I hope it helps you. Dr. Jim

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Husband drinks directly from the serving bottle

Dear Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim, I have a problem. I hope you can help me with it.

My husband drinks from the milk bottle! Don't you think this is totally disgusting? I sure do.

I think really he was doing this before we were married but didn't' do it at first whenever I was watching him. At least his sister said he did.

Again, please help me.

Sterile Lady Agnes in Raleigh

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Dear Agnes

Well Ms. Sterile, I hate to burst your bubble but I have found that most men do this. They also take sips from the wine bottle before putting it in the frig. And some men just go to the refrigerator for a drink that way (like this guy).

One thing you might should agree on is to not drink out of a bottle that will be served to guests not a part of the family. This is for sanitary reasons. But within the family germs are passed around willy-nilly anyway.

You might also tell him in a nice way how it bothers you. That you hadn't seen people doing this before and maybe, would he not do it for your sake. If my wife did ask me to stop like that I probably would.

Perhaps our some of our readers might have ideas on this subject that would help you. Or make you feel better about him doing it.

I hope I have helped some,

Dr. Jim

A gentleman never drinks beer from a bottle at a restaurant, I might add as an etiquette tip (link, see slide # 10). Dr. Jim

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Husband just wants a wife for a house and kid keeper

Dear Dr. Jim

I really hated to write to you but my husband says that I must. He thinks you can help me.

So here is my problem. I just hate to get out of bed in the morning.

Hubby gets up at 5:30 every morning and jumps in the shower. Then he makes himself some breakfast and reads the paper. At 8:30 he heads off to work. On weekends every thing is an hour earlier and then he goes with his buddies all day to play golf.

He wants me to get up with him. I can't see any reason why. All there is for me to do is house and garden work and take care of the kids. I do have a nice outside job in the afternoon.

Sleep Deprived Sally in South Minneapolisville

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Dear Sally

It sounds to me like you don't have a life. Let us figure out how you might get one and stay married. (That may be an oxymoron.) Your situation appears to be more than a sleep problem.

I hate to say it, but it appears that your hubby has done 'family organization' as so many men in this world do, so you aren't alone. Done like in 'done deal.' But you didn't seem to be dealing, rather you were probably passive in this arrangement.

He sees it like this:

His duties are his job, eat, play golf. In that order.

He wants you to do house work, keep the kids. You might be lucky here as a lot of men want cooking and attention for themselves from the wife as well.

Since he had you write to me, then he may be open to this idea. You two sit down and rearrange your whole lives.

Make a general written daily schedule and put time for each other in that.

Next rearrange the activities. He should be doing chores after work, and if he insists on getting up that early he has an hour and a half or so do do chores in the morning, the kind that don't wake the rest of the family up.

In the last half hour of his morning chore time you make breakfast for him, the kids, and you. The kids can eat with you sometimes, others they can eat and run. It is important that at breakfast he have your company rather than the paper. Please do remember those kids can share in the family chores too if they are not already doing this.

In the evening let him prepare meals every other day or so. Regardless of whose turn to make supper, have family time during the meal. I hope the kids will sit down then too but that may be expecting too much. AND NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD ARGUE AT MEAL TIME, save that for someplace else in your schedule.

Remember this is just a start, you two will have to work out more. If things like this seem to give new hope to everyone, keep working on it.

If you can't get anything changed the go see a marriage counselor. Be prepared for divorce, he really isn't married right now, he is just living there having a good life. You then may have to get a full time job but with alimony and child support you will have about two thirds of his paycheck to live on.

I hope this helps and that hubby will cooperate, and that you can start getting more sleep,

Dr. Jim

Some resource reading:

Family chore chart ideas

Cooking for men ideas

Revitalize the marriage ideas


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How to share the family computer -- husband out if now, not of his choosing

Dear Dr. Jim

I sure do need your help. My wife hogs the computer here, and if she lets it loose the kids grab hold.

We can't afford two so mostly I am in the lurch. Once in a while I call in sick so that I can get on the computer during the day.

Other times I throw a fit (it would be a tantrum if I were a kid) about it and they all feel guilty. So then I may get to use it a little until they settle down and start begging with me for THEIR computer.

I really am missing my computer games and visiting with my FaceBook friends.

Please help me, Dr. Jim,

Andy in Andersonville, Arkansas

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Dear Andy (really AAA, huh?)

Well now, you have gotten yourself into a mess, haven't you.

Really now, we could see this coming since you are all bound to just the one computer. Unfortunately you have drawn the short straw and are pretty much left out of the rotation.

Our solution is to get you back into the rotation. You must call a family conference and ANNOUNCE that you also need some prime time computer time.

It would help if Mrs. Andy will support you in this. You can ANNOUNCE to her as well but things will go a lot easier for all if she approves ahead of time.

Here is what you do:

1. Divide the evening hours that you all have into 30-minute segments on a piece of paper. Keep in mind that some of the children may have earlier bed times than others and than you adults.

2. Have everyone write their preferences in time for all the slots, from one (1) to as many as you have in common.

3. Start at square number one and write the names of those who want this early time. Mrs. Andy may not want these early ones if she is going to prepare supper. THIS MAY BE THE TIME WHEN YOU SHARE--FROM HERE ON--IN THE PREPARATION OF MEALS to give her some prime time for reading her e-mails and the like.

4. In a hat, place the name token (that you have made for each) for those desiring this time. If possible let someone who has not wanted this time to draw. The name drawn will get the time.

5. Leave the name just drawn out and put in anyone else whose token is not in from the last drawing. Remove any one's who does not want this time. Let a person who is not in the hat draw. The person who won the last drawing would be good for this.

6. Repeat the process until all slots have names assigned. Easy way to do this, cross out everyone except the winner where they first wrote. You could have a fresh schedule but this leads to problems of one's word against the other about mistakes.

7. Put the all the name tokens back into the hat when it becomes empty. Watch that the distribution of times is equal until the kids start going to bed.

8. Repeat steps 5, 6, and 7 for all the days of the week. Weekends may be on hold until everyone's weekend schedule of activities is firmed up.

Some notes:

It will be obvious that the ones with later bedtimes get more time. Make sure that those with early bed times get their share until they go to bed.

You might want to start a family kitty for another computer. Put in everyone's spare change or a portion of it. Add an assessment of a portion of jobs and allowances, sort of like an income tax. You could have a lawn sale or do all sorts of things to get money.

I did not mention the kid's homework. Give compensation time for when they are not in the drawing because of homework. If some of the homework is to be done on the computer a priority can be had for this. You should watch over to keep them honest (part of their family training) to be doing only homework.

You and Mrs. Andy can each stop in briefly at the library if you pass near one so that you can get e-mail. You probably won't have time to answer, this can be done in your computing time.

A lot of people are doing the previously mentioned e-mail checking at computers at their work. Most firms don't care if privileges are not abused as this activity on company time and resources improves moral.

Hope this has helped you out of your problem, it really was/is a family problem.

Dr. Jim

A Colombo: I purposely referenced the AAA in my greeting because my idea for the solution to the computer time situation is similar to the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) approach to problem drinking.

And you, staying home from work just to play and use the computer. Talk about addictions, you need to think about this one. Dr. Jim

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How to get rid the summer blahs -- Pooped All the Time has a bad case!

Dear Dr. Jim

Oh my, I have just had it. The seven kids cry all day long, my hubby hollers all time, and I cry even more than the kids. This has been going on ever since school got out this spring.

Dr. Jim, I really need your help, I just don't know how to get things straightened out.

Do you think I should run away when everyone is sleeping?

Pooped All the Time, in Cairo, Georgia

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Dear PAT

It sounds to me like you have a very severe case of the summer blahs.

What to do about it?

Running away might be the best for you. You'd be outa' here! Just don't look back, don't call, and move over to Alabama. There even if they find you they can't make you come back and they can't make you pay child support or give back the car and the money and all the stuff you take with you.

But what about the kids? I don't mean for you to take them, only half of your troubles would go away. It sounds like your hubby has a worse case of the summer blahs than you do.

No, what about the kids? Does Hubby holler at them too or just you?

If it is just you he hollers at I would have him seek professional help. The doc/shrink may want you to come too, most do. Then if that doesn't help him, ditch him. Be sure you can get the kids or their life will be miserable left there with that old coot.

If he hollers at the kids too, still he should try the help. If you run away, take the kids with you for their protection. I think they will stop crying over there in Alabama, it is a nice place. Except for their football teams, they play dirty pool (football) and are real bad.

What ever you do, the kids will need professional help as well. I'd say they will be much happier once you are happy but make sure a professional makes that decision.

Get a job over there in Alabama. Here (click, Alabama bad cafes) are some cafes you might want to stay away from in Alabama, eating or working.

A fresh surround is the best for you, with or without the old man.

Hope this helps,

Dr. Jim

Note: I picked Alabama to turn to because it is close, cheap, friendly, and is a fairly safe haven from the law. You are also close to Florida but they aren't cheap at all, their football teams also stink, and their law is archaic and favors men over women.

I like Dothan, Alabama for a medium sized town, Headland for a very friendly small one-horse town.

Doc Jim


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Hubby doesn't want to go shopping with his wife -- says wife expects to much of him

Dear Dr. Jim

My wife has unreal expectations from me. I love her company but just listen to this little vignette.

She wants me to go with her shopping for her some new clothes. It isn't the clothes or spending money I object to, but she always does this to me. She drags me along to every little store and several malls.

My feet are wearing out just thinking of all that walking. We go and go and go. I would say an easy five miles in just this one day.

And Dr. Jim, all the ladies trying on those little clothes and dresses look at me like I am a vagrant come in to ogle.

Besides that, this is the time this year for the U.S. Men's Clay Court Championships Matches. I hate to miss even a one of those.

So please can you help me, Please, Please, Please

I.M.P. in Toulouse, NH

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Well Mr. P, I can't feel very sorry for you. You should be grateful your BW (best wife) wants you to go shopping with you. Mine hardly ever invites me.

When she does, I always take plenty of reading material and my lap top. When my feet get tired, I find a bench outside (in your cold and snow, you might have to be inside), sit and read.
When I get tired of reading, I blog. I just love it that we have the Internet free all over the area. That was our first economic stimulus.

You shouldn't waste your time watching tennis. Besides most tennis fans (not the players) develop arthritis of the neck with all that twisting to see from side to side. Even the TV watcher fans get that.

Oh well, there probably isn't much help with you, but give her a break and be a nice little husband once in a while. It might do your marriage good, you can talk in the car and if she will sit with you on the bench, help things still more.

I hope this helps one of you, Dr. Jim

Note: I really don't mind being with and looking at all those women either. I get lots of smiles, winks, and pats. Dr. Jim


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Hubby wants to wait until the last minute to buy when things get to be a bargain -- Here the Christmas tree

Dear Dr. Jim

Oh gosh, its Christmas time and here we go again.

My husband always waits until Christmas Eve or sometimes even Christmas Day to get our Christmas tree.

He gets the bargain ones that will go to the beach the next day to help slow down the erosion.

We don't have time to enjoy it before Christmas and sometimes there isn't time to decorate it properly. If you could get him to buy it now we could at least have a couple of days.

Please rush me the answer, he said he would go by your answer just this one day.

Thank you Dr. Jim, I know you will come through,

Santa's Elf # 2,981,001, a Little Miffed in the deep North

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Dear # 2,981,001 Miff

Okay, lets do this one up right and fast. After all it is Christmas time and your scenario is being repeated hundreds of thousands of time all over the country.

Normally I would have a few terrible solutions to your situation but this year let's do it right just this one time. (Meaning I won't go into stubbornness, procrastination, cheapskate-likeness, marital bickering, etc.)

Here is it: WATCH THE SALE ADS ON ARTIFICIAL TREES. OFTEN THEY ARE EVEN BEFORE CHRISTMAS DAY. BUY ONE FOR HALF PRICE OR LESS. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS IT WILL BE FOR JUST THIS ONE TIME AND WELL WORTH IT. TRUST ME.

Now for the good news. Next year you can take this artificial tree out any time you are ready. Your hubby might even get to like seeing it out so pretty and all earlier.

We do that at our house. Mrs. Jim gets it out whenever she is ready. Of course I get roped into helping her with the lights and assembly. She isn't an aerospace engineer like I was for a lot of my working life.

Mrs. Jim can also take it down when she is ready. I am now divorced from the whole procedure except for a little work at setup, take-down, and storage times. Oh yes, I help her when a string of lights go out but what the hey. That's being married and loved. (Read my comment on lights if you want to here a short cut I took this year.)

I know this helps, yours, Dr. Jim

p.s. I do suspect this goes on for other things, the waiting for sales. A lot of this is fine, it just depends on how badly the item is needed earlier. You guys can work that out after seeing how the Christmas tree thing works. Dr. Jim



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Picky husband won't drink milk past its sell by date

Dear Dr. Jim

This is a small problem to my hubby and probably is small potatoes to you. But to me it supper tubers. Dr. Jim, please Google that (I did it here) for the uninformed.

Our problem doesn't involve potatoes today, it is about milk.

My hubby will not drink mild past its sell by date. I say drink it until it tastes or smells bad. Who is right.

Not so picky Jane in Kansas

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Dear N.S. Picky Jane

I hate to tell you this but there isn't any correct answer or set rule. So you drink the old stuff until it seems bad. Hubby should buy new milk when the old milk reaches the 'sell by date.'

I think my readers might have some stories to tell as to what they do about this.

In fact one lady says the milk is fine even when sour. She puts some vinegar in hers to make it taste like butter milk.

Hope this answer suits you fine,

Dr. Jim


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Fiancé likes to kiss Santa -- she really frustrates her mate with those kisses

Dear Dr. Jim

I hate to tell you this for fear that someone I know may recognize me. But I have no place else to turn.

My fiancé insists up on kissing Santa at the Malls.

I've tried everything with her, even try to tell her that they are paid guys, not the real Santa. These guys get their pay for sitting there to entice the little children into telling their Christmas wishes within the hearing range of their parents.

Even when it is an outlandish gift they want Santa to bring, kids will spill the beans to Santa. They would be afraid the parents would ridicule them, chastise them, or other ilks of this sort.

So how do I get her to stop kissing that guy. I don't like it, it may ruin our marriage to become.

Embarrassed Samuel in Ohio

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Dear Samuel

Have a heart. Your fiancé is only finishing out her youthful fantasises.

I would guess that when she was small Santa snubbed her or she was deprived of seeing him. She has to work this out of her system.

Then too, she may still believe deep in her heart that this is the real Santa just getting around all over like he does on Christmas night. It is simply magic the way he operates.

You could help her to grow up.

First, change your name to 'Sam'. Samuel is a child's name who still acts like a little boy. Change it to Sam and YOU grow up.

Then listen to what she has to say to Santa. Talk to her afterwards about her wishes if she has voiced them to him. She may not tell him anything, she may really like to kiss him. Then talk her concerning her feelings towards Santa. Some big girls and grown women do think he is cute.

I myself get pats and kisses from strangers, women, mostly because of my beard and my handsome looks. Sometimes they ask me if they should know me. Most times they are thinking of a movie star, sometimes an attorney or politician they have seen on TV.

If a thing like this bothers you so much as to be reason for you to back out of getting married I cringe. Then you for sure are not ready to get married and should not get married. Period.

One other thing, are you jealous of these guys getting kisses from your fiancé? If so, then again you are not ready for marriage. Kissing Santa is like kissing Dad. Does it bother you when she kisses her father? Think about this for a while.

Hope this helps, Dr. Jim

A tidbit here. I believed in Santa until I was ready to enter high school. The Christmas of my eighth grade when sitting beside Santa (I was to heavy for his lap by then) Santa himself let me know who he really was.

He asked me how I like playing down at his pond across the road from our farm, where the creek runs through both farms. I was flabbergasted but later it got me to thinking. I am sure he was not the real Santa now because of that incident.

Dr. Jim





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How to spend less for Christmas -- wife has big spending ideas

Dear Dr. Jim

I just don't know what to do. My husband says we have to save money this year and spend NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAS.

I have always purchased gifts for everyone there is in our families. Most of them give back as well.

My rule is this: (in +/- $$'s)
$25 for people over 40 and cousins and friends
$50 for grandparents, nephews, nieces, uncles
$200-1000 for my hubby
$1000-3000 for each of the four kids.

Now you see why the old grouch might not be liking this. This amounts to around $10,000-15,000 each year. Now I have lost my job although he still has his.

Even on one family income we make over $48,000 a year. My solution is to just divide all those numbers by two and say that my half will not be given this year.

Does that sound right to you? Please, oh please, Dr. Jim, say that will be fine.

Needs a job in Michigan

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Well, Ms. Needs

That does not sound right at all.

I would like to side with your hubby but you aren't writing for me to say that.

What I will say is to leave Christmas gifting for the kids and a small gift to the spouses (I am thinking he will buy YOU something).

Also I would:

scale way down on the kids, either several smaller and less expensive gifts or one in the few hundreds;

set a limit on younger nieces and nephews to $10 skipping the older ones (a card and handkerchief would be OK);

send cards to the others, everyone else who was on your list before; and

make an agreement with hubby how much to spend on each other for a meaningful and loving gift, please don't let this amount get very high.

I know Michigan is hurting for jobs, could you possible get a temporary one during the Christmas season? There will be a lot of competition for those but you may have the edge with your maturity and working experience.

I hope this helped. There may be other solutions the readers might come up with.

And I might say, I would be grouchy too if my wife spent that much on Christmas. We don't even buy new cars, have never during our 35 years of marriage bought a new car. Just have to be frugal when we aren't rich.

Dr. Jim

An aside, if you could move to Texas, that would help. A lot of Michigan folks moved here in the 80's when things were rough.

Most moved back but as our great President Reagan once said, "Vote with your feet." Dr. Jim

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How often should he change his underwear (he won't change them)

Dear Dr. Jim

Houston, we have a problem.

My husband won't change his underwear. He says he will change it, when it gets embarrassing sized holes.

For sure I want him to have nice looking underwear, how can I get him to change?

Clean Lady in Utah

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Dear Clean Lady

Oh my goodness, at first I misunderstood you. I thought that hubby was wearing his underwear even when it got dirty until he wore holes in it.

Now I see, you want him to change out his underwear before it gets to looking to bad.

I doubt he has changed his habits much since you married him, so you will just have to live with him the way he is. STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HIM. He won't and he will resent you for working on him like you do.

If you want to blame someone you can blame his mother. He probably never changed his underwear out. Or changed it for clean for that matter. I was that way.

Mom would get my used underwear whether dirty or not each night after I went to bed. She would lay out clean underwear for me to put on the next morning along with my other clean clothes. I just thought that was something moms did.

And she would buy me new underwear before it ever got holes in it. Even when we were dirt poor.

When I left home I remember her telling me to be sure not to wear holey underwear just in case I would get into an accident and have to go to the hospital.

Hospitals seem to like nice looking underwear so I came to understand, and to this day if I am driving I put on good underwear. I wear the holey ones around the house and when doing yard work, etc.

Now for you. Buy him new underwear. My estimate is that it should be changed every year to have it looking nice. Just take his old underwear and put in new.

For years Mrs. Jim did that for me. Until we retired, now it is up to me. I must say I don't always put fresh on each morning and some of them have really bad holes. And that is the price you will keep on paying unless you take matters into your own hands.

I hope this helped.

Dr. Jim

Here are some references for you on changing out underwear, wearing clean underway every day, and holey underwear.



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Sue just wants to be hairy (armpits) -- Husband opposed

Dear Dr. Jim

It just isn't fair! Why do women have to shave their armpits.

Didn't God make us with hair there before he allowed man to create the razor?

Please help me, Dr. Jim.

My husband insists that I would be a smelly woman if I didn't shave and has even threatened to sleep in another room. He says I would be disgusting and not sexy at all!

Wanna be Hairy Sue in Ardmore

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Dear Hairy Sue (Did you know that rhymes with Mary Sue?)

This is a very delicate situation that we are in here. I would like to see your armpits shaved and unshaven, I think that would help us a lot here.

But since we won't be able to do that, let's try the next best thing.

Ask you husband if the TWO OF YOU could have a trial run at this.

Both of you will have to work at this. If just one of you gives in it could lead to the downfall of your marriage.

Marriage is a 50-50 proposition, or pretty close to it, at least it should be. If one spouse just arbitrarily gives in that could set a precedence for losing control of ones self. None of us wants that to happen, these issues often lead to divorce.

Now, lets look at the hair armpit thing. Just a lot of European women do not shave under their armpits. Both the ladies and their menfolk think it is sexy.

Granted the body odor takes on a strong scent, but it is more like an animal aroma, one who is in the hunt for sex. Or who has been having sex lately and is ready for some more. People become very accustomed to this and some say it even enhances their love lives.

These were a couple of links I found with Google. What I found mainly was not conclusive at all. Be careful if you go there because some are distasteful to say the least about them.

One article not referred suggested that when the razor was invented shaven women were promoted as being sexier in order to promote razor sales to a new market.

A couple of references which are OK and to our point:
YouTube on Hairy Armpits (has pretty girl, seems sexy)
Paris Hilton is purported to be bringing hairy armpits back (link)

Hope this helps, I think I would like my wife to try not shaving but she won't.

Dr. Jim

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Addendum: September 25, 2008.

After further consideration I am telling Ms. Hairy Sue to go for all or nothing. If the hubby doesn't like it then he should hit the road. Period. You see, a woman's body is hers alone (and with God, of course--Romans 12) to do with it what she pleases.

Why do I say this? Roe vs. Wade gives all women in this grand United States that right, the right of privacy! The opinion was geared to right for a woman to choose to have an abortion but will equally apply to growing hair under her armpits if she wishes.

You might ask, "why should she be so harsh with the old man?" The answer is that making him sleep elsewhere was his idea, he would win. He presented Ms. Hairy with an either/or ultimatum. That doesn't go, she should do what she wants.

I hope this helps even more, Dr. Jim

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Wayward daughter, distraught father

Dear Dr. Jim

I am going through a change of life over this horrible situation.

Our daughter has dropped out of school and keeps atrocious hours. She seldom comes home before four in the morning anymore. When I ground her, she sneaks out the window.

Now besides her wild night life and working at the Chili King in the afternoons, she has pulled the last straw. She is engaged and will be married next week. Don't you thing a two week engagement is too short.

The young man she duped is very gullible and is a hard working fellow. I feel sorry for him.

Do you think marriage might cure her of her wayward ways?

Distraught Father in Georgia

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Dear D'd Father

You should be asking if I think that guy will keep her. You sure don't want her back!

That wasn't very nice of me to say, of course, all fathers want their daughters back if they aren't happy where they are. Mainly, fathers just want daughters to be happy.

I might add, this is the big problem here, daughter obviously isn't happy living a quiet family life at her house now. She has been looking for a change.

Sometimes change in a new beginning is all it takes to bring someone back to reality, and I might add, to their senses again.

I will wish all concerned the best. If this fellow and she hit it off this could be the marriage to end all! All of one bad life and the beginning of a new happy (married now) life again!

I hope this helps, just wait and see how it works out.

Dr. Jim


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Wife left, what can he have?

Dear Dr. Jim

This is very simple, but I need an answer fast!

My wife is leaving me and she wants most of our stuff. What can she have? To be nice I have let her have the seven kids, but now she want so much more.

Looking to be single, Pat in Woe Land

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Dear Pat

Guy, bone up! Any wife that has seven kids is deserving a loving husband, for sure you probably were mainly thinking of only one kind of love. [Hint: read 'the five kinds of love' (link) and try always in your relationships to maintain the proper balance of these]

It isn't too late to change, but I doubt your wife will come back. So, try to love her for the person she is, the mother of those seven kids, and don't cause any grief.

Start first in a loving manner (remember, the kids will benefit too) by giving her most of your worldly possessions. With seven kids the judge won't let you keep much anyway.

My best advice is for you both to have a good lawyer. Come to an agreement quickly, don't run up your legal fees over 'stuff' arguments.

Here is a list of things most women let the husband have, followed by my experience for each:

1. The dog or other pet. I didn't get either!

2. Your car or truck. I did get that, it was a '62 VW bug. She got the nice station wagon (remember it is for the kids too!).

3. The debts and bills. I got all of those, most credit cards were maxed and the store cards had high balances. I did get them all paid off, you can too.

4. The TV. Yes, I got the old one out in the garage.

5. Your tools. I got those.

6. Your ring. I had lost my ring in Dam B Lake (link) several years before. 'Nuf said.

This list came from a TV program, but it was a survey of 100 women and gives a fairly accurate idea of the generous thinking of those ladies.

Think about things, be realistic and loving still (but rebalance those five kinds of love now since you won't be married any more--i.e. nil on the Eros) and best of all, GET HAPPY and move to Happy Land, which is far away from your Woe Land.

I hope this helps, always,

Dr. Jim





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Car's idler pulley bearings -- Stupid wife, ignorant husband, have argument about theirs

Dear Dr. Jim

My wife and I have been arguing about this, I hope you can tell us who is correct.

Our car was making screeching noises from under the hood. The repair shop diagnosed the problem as being with the idler pulley bearings.

The car was repaired to the tune of $568.40 so obviously those people did find the problem and correct it. Whether it was the idler pulley bearings or not, we have know way of knowing. They did fix our car, that is for sure.

Our argument is about the idler pulley bearings. Miss Know-it-all Mechanic-not says Simple, those are for when the car is resting, being idle. If it doesn't have good bearings then the car has no idea of where it is or where it is supposed to go after the rest is over. Period.

That is plain stupid, cars never know where they are, they just go where people tell them. I understand automobile mechanisms pretty well and know the idler pulley is to keep the engine running or pulled along when it is idling. Bearings keep the car straight as how to run when it gets busy again.

Thank you, Dr. Jim, for settling our argument.

Dave, the car hunk and affectionado of Burbank

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Dear Dave

If it helps, you are no closer than your wife to a correct definition. So please don't brag about this to your friends or your reputation as a car affectionado will tumble a little.

The idler pulley has nothing to do with the car at idle, it keeps a belt tight enough to not slip while turning the other pulleys. Those are located at the front of your engine and go around and around when the car engine is running.

If the idler pulley bearings get hot, they may freeze up making the pulley stop rolling with the belt. In turn, the belt wears quickly while rubbing against the stopped idler pulley and soon will begin fraying and break in a short time.

The stopped pulley can also stop the belt, causing wearing and breaking to occur very rapidly. The belt driven water pump pulley stoppage causes overheating that will ruin your engine. Head for your repair facility before it stops ASAP to prevent engine and other damage!

Why is it called an idler pulley? Because it doesn't have a load to pull. It just goes round and round, happily and idly along, not pulling a load and doing no work at all.

One word of self-protection here: ASK FOR THE REPLACED PARTS. Garages are required by law to give you--you must request this in the repair request--whatever they replace (it is yours) instead of throwing old parts away. This way you can see for yourself what went wrong.

After you look, be sure to turn them back in for a refund if you were charged a 'core charge.' This means the part can be rebuilt, often you were getting a rebuilt item in the repair. Rebuilding is especially common for water pumps and alternators.

I hope this has helped. Remember now you two, no name calling (I'll do that). Modern automobiles are complicated machinery and even the mechanics have to go back to school when new innovations are introduced.

Dr. Jim



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How do people disappear? Fellow with wife, girlfriend, and reputation problems wants to know

Dear Dr. Jim

Well, I almost hate to write this for fear someone I know will read it.

But here goes. I want to disappear. Just plain drop out of site. Take out the trash Jack, and don't come back. No more, no more.

My wife has made life terrible for me, she even put a malicious report in our local paper! I swear I didn't have anything to do with that girl!

Yes, we work together and she would like to make homemaker trouble for me also. The crowning blow was after the girl bit me. What I didn't know was, after I got all the blood wiped off my ear and another friend put a band aid on it, that there was some lipstick still left.

Wouldn't you know, my wife found the lipstick smudge right in the middle of my ear. It wasn't close to the sore so it didn't get wiped off with the blood.

Please, Dr. Jim, could you help me hide out forever?

Seeking Asylum in Albany

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Dear Seeking

Your letter reminds me of the joke about "the pickle slicer who got fired too." It was funny, but very sad.

This is very hard on you, I can tell. Generally a loving wife will be terribly concerned when her husband comes home with injuries.

Your troubles are not insurmountable, but I cannot help you disappear. Dr. Kevorkian got eight years big time for helping people do that. (You might try this Google link for insight along with about 9,970,000 others asking your question.).

Are you trying to go to Albany to hide and disappear? Or do you live there and want to go somewhere else?

It does sound pretty suspicious to have the lipstick in the middle of your ear. A person can hardly do their biting in the middle of the ear. Even I would suspect how it got there.

You picked a poor choice for your fling, one who wanted to play for keeps instead of settling for second fiddle.

You should have looked in a mirror for several reasons, mostly to check the bandaging efforts of your other friend. The lipstick would have been evident then.

If you love your wife, then ask for forgiveness and please get your home life straightened out.

Then if wife hangs around still, learn to avoid as many of the above problem areas we have picked out as you can.

Or how about a motorcycle to fill your spare time? They don't leave lipstick or get you into so much trouble at home.

And just in principle, wipe your ears whenever you stop for an after hour pick-me-up.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Jim



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Wife can't cook. Can she cook like Mom? No way. All hope to impress her mother-in-law faded. What to do? "How to" advice needed very quickly.

Dear Dr. Jim

Please, please, Dr. Jim, can you help me, quick!

I want so badly to cook like my mother-in-law but try as I can, it all tastes like cr*p. Even the dog won't eat most of the stuff I cook.

My husband visits his mother every day just to eat a decent meal. The worst part is that he has given up eating what I cook. He won't even try my food anymore. He makes his own breakfast, eats at noon with Mom, and stops at MacDonald's on the way home.

Hopeless Wanna Be Cook in Indiana

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Dear Ms. Hopeless

Cheer up, no one is hopeless. Even Elizabeth Bathory -- "The Blood Countess of Transylvania" back in 1560 had hope for a while! Of course she had to die for her heinous crimes, but no one hardly ever dies from bad cooking.

I truly believe you are a bad cook. We can fault your Mom here. No mother should ever turn a girl loose on a man unless she can cook good.

Remember that old saying, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach?" You must be good looking or blonde. Then for a little while, cooking doesn't matter. But now I fear you are finding out.

Quick, buy a copy of Betty Crocker's COOKBOOK. That is the easiest good cookbook around. Then read it, a lot. Learn the types of food and basic preparations. YOU CAN LEARN!

Next, have a sit-down-talk with Hubby. Pick his brain and find out exactly what his Mom cooked that he liked. Get some good recipes, you might even call her to ask for her recipe for a certain dish she made.

Then try it. Refine what you cook, write down every change to the recipe so you can go back to point X, or keep the latest addition. When you like it, ask Hubby to try it. Keep your fingers crossed. Don't expect him to like it real well, instead ask him how you might improve this dish.

You could even let Mom-in-law give her opinion. Wait till you and Hubby think it is pretty good.

If this doesn't work, go eat with Hubby. Bring the dog home some doggy bags. Buy it prepared dog food often. You didn't say if you have kids, for their sake, I hope not.

And please don't invite me unless you do learn cooking really good.

I hope this helps,
always, Dr. Jim


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Grandchild relations -- should she remain friends with all the parties, old, new, and ex?

Dear Dr. Jim

My only child and his first wife moved into a townhome two doors from us the day after they got married.

I stayed completely out of their lives. I NEVER called, came over, or invited them over because I felt my son and daughter-in-law needed to establish themselves as their own family and that too close an involvement with my son would keep him tied to the ways of our family and interfere with my daughter-in-law's intentions for them.

If ever they invited my husband (my son's father) and I out with them, I never walked beside my son, and I talked with her instead of him so that she would know that I'm not competing for him.

I feel that I did the right thing and earned her trust because one day, after a year of her living close by, she told me that when they have children, she wants to move next door to me so I can help her raise them.

Here's my problem: My son has remarried. He and his new wife are much older now than when he first married. Is it still a good idea to keep so distant? I will gladly do so if it's best for their marriage. But since they are now older and more mature, must I still be so cautious? How should I treat my son and daughter-in-law?

Worried and Sleepless in Seaside

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Dear Worried and Sleepless

Yes, this has presented you with a very real dilemma. And hundreds of thousands across our land are experiencing these pangs too, or already have been.

The best advice for sure would be from a consensus of those prior participants but that is impossible for our purposes.

So my advice from personal experiences is to ENJOY YOUR GRANDKIDS the best you can! If your ex-daughter-in-law wants to make better friends, go for that also. For the sake of grandchild relations with you.

Most of my grandchildren are grown now and we have very good relationships. But it cannot rival the times when they were younger and we would go for rides or vacations and the like.

The more involved you are with the grandkids the fuller lives the all of you can have!

I hope this has helped,

Dr. Jim

Oh yes, as always, I advise professional guidance in areas like this should you feel your efforts are not right for the situations.




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His wife is a gorgeous girl in a lot of trouble, bad, is there help now?

Dear Dr. Jim

My wife, Gloria Bea, is a pretty girl, she's beautiful. And she knows it! I love her very much, body and all!

A few details for you. First, she is young, just in her early twenties. Second, she is tall and her legs are longer than her body. Third, she wears high heals and shorts a lot of the time.

That is for her looks. The real problem is that she acting like some of those derelict young movie stars. She goes to clubs a lot after work, and although she doesn't drink (due to an injury when she was young), her friends all do.

Guess who is the designated driver? Gloria, of course. So far she has gotten two open container citations because of her friends. Not only that, but three times they have been booked due to the silliness of her friends.

It is no fun bailing her out of jail in the middle of the night. That is not the worst. We just took the easy route out and now she has three misdemeanors on her record. I don't wish to discuss the third situation, Gloria Bea was bad. Just bad.

The judge, after we plead guilty for the third time, told us next time she would have to go to prison. That next conviction would come under our state's three time loser law which says she must go to prison for at least two years as a repeat offender. I need your help quickly, think from seeing your legal background you might be able to help us.

I wish I had married a plain girl!

Almost Desperate Daniel in Chicago

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Oh gosh, Daniel, you have gotten yourself in a world of mess. I can tell you a few things but cannot help you. A lawyer on retainer will be your best help. And a shrink or two should be in order also.

First, Daniel, beauty is only skin deep. I hate to say it, but most men are naturally attracted by long-legged women. I am like that, one of my favorite songs is Legs (She's Got Legs, She Know How To Use Them) by ZZ Top (link)

You are right too in wondering if they are using those movies stars for role models. One very notorious young lady for you to study is Britney Spears (link). But if you two know all that already, then this lookup won't help much either.

That Judge is right, and Illinois got tough in 1994. Almost as tough as California and Texas! For a quick rundown on the Three Strikes Law (habitual offender laws , click link here) check here. That judge could have sent her away the last time. It probably took a judge in a higher court to do that, she would have to be referred there.

Next time? There hadn't better be a next time!

So bite the bullet, have Gloria stay out of clubs and away from those friends, and see a good CRIMINAL LAWYER right away. Your state is not as lenient as Michigan. Remember the play and the movie, Chicago. There is no sympathy just because the convicted is a woman.

Ask your attorney first for legal advice, then ask about some professional counseling for understanding the world, married life, and marriage and behavior situations, for both of you.

And no, you don't wish you had married a plain girl. Just wish the one you did marry would get some sense! And help her.

As always, Ask Dr. Jim



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