TV football watching -- Wife wants to deprive husband

Dear Dr. Jim

I am asking you to give your opinion about a problem my husband has.

He loves to watch football on TV. That leaves me and the kids alone in the kitchen without any TV to watch.

Please tell him how selfish he is.

Thanking you, TV Deprived Woman, Gloriad in Garland, Texas

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Dear Texas Gloriad

This something I hear a lot.

But woman, what is the problem with you getting off your kitchen duff and joining your husband? Give him some company watching his games. If you learned more about football you might even get to like it.

I see so many families who let the little children take over the TV. This makes no sense at all to me. Father works hard to buy it, when he is around and there is something decent for him to watch by all means let him watch.

Family time can be around the TV but all should submit the remote to Dad.

Sorry about this one, I hope it helps you. Dr. Jim

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Husband has a belittling job says wife

Dear Dr. Jim

I am at odds about my used-to-be retired husband, Mr. Tom. He taken a job at a discount department store.

Really I don't care if he works to make extra money or to get out of the house for a break.

The trouble with this job is that it is beneath his education and qualifications. Mr. Tom has a bachelors degree in chemical engineering and has worked 47 years with a major petroleum company.

Mr. Tom isn't doing engineering. He is greeting customers and handing them basket carts. His favorite task is checking in the articles that the customers bring in for a refund or exchange.

One customer actually spit on Mr. Tom when he tried to put a yellow 'return' sticker on his new wrist watch.

This job of his is very humiliating for me. My friends tease me about the minimum wage job he has and also some call him a "cart pusher" at the XYZ store. Several of them now avoid me and look the other way if we pass on the street.

I cannot change his mind.

Helpless Mrs. Tom in a small town

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Dear Mrs. Tom

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I hate it that you are feeling helpless. I have several very rich friends who are taking minimum wage jobs. Those are fairly plentiful for the older retired men. Ladies' jobs are harder to find.

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Most likely Mr. Tom resents your needling him which I believe that you are doing to him. It is too bad that your friends are acting their snobbish ways.

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My recommendation for you is that you stop asking him to quit and get yourself some activities. They needn't be wage earning for pay.

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Volunteers are needed in the schools, nursing homes, senior citizen residences, restaurants, and in churches among many other places.

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If you were to busy yourself in an outside activity then you would meet new friends from other walks of life and social status. Many of them would admire your husband's fortitude in taking a simple job which keeps him busy and enables him to meet and help many needing people.

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I hope this helps, Dr. Jim

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An aside. I have several friends with more unique type jobs. One works at a golf course as a starter or a marshall. He enjoys this job very much.

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Another works at funerals. The mortuaries don't want too many people on the permanent employee payroll due to the high price of benefits. If you husband has declined the XYZ benefits then part time won't be a problem.

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Just sayin', Dr. Jim

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Husband wants to get a kitten as a gift for his wife

Dear Dr. Jim

I am considering getting my wife a kitten for our first anniversary.

Do you think this is an appropriate gift? She has been begging for us to get a kitty-cat.

I'd like a Calico Cat but I think she wants a jet black Halloween Scaredy Cat.

Other than for the selection bit I think we will both be happy with this. I might just get one and surprise her.

Thinking I'm a Cat Lover,
Gavin in Piccolos

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Dear Wanna Be Cat Loven' Gavin

Hi Gavin. This is a very appropriate question that I've been asked several times now. My suggestion to you is to give her something that YOU BOTH WANT at the moment. Here, her love for animals (I assume you are certain she wants a kitty cat) may not last for your entire marriage.

I do hope that you can find a nice cat and that your bride will love it dearly. I hope she still loves you dearly too. Caveat here, do this before the honeymoon is over! Your timing is perfect!

On the selection, I'd give her a gift certificate for the amount of a cat and care items from a reputable pet store. If you might find another source, or a free cat, you can always use the gift certificate for food and supplies for a year or so.

Remember, "Free cats don't stay free for very long." That is my rule, as you will have bigger vet and food bills than the cost of a cat in a very short while.

We've been married for 38 years now. Mrs. Jim's Rule # 109:
If it dies or leaves home it won't be replaced and it can't come back. THAT INCLUDES ME!

Does her rule work? Since she made it a dog and a cat have died and weren't replaced. We gave the goldfish away and it cant' come back and won't be replaced.
Since her rule went into effect the only new (to us) animals are:
1) Adi, our beagle--she was our daughter's dog and her new apartment wouldn't let her have beagles;
2) Katrin, our toy poodle--she was willed to us by a dying friend. The friend actually changed her will to say this. With big tears, she asked Mrs. Jim, "You won't give Katrin away, will you?" We've had one real good chance to give Katrin away to one of our kids but Mrs. Jim remembered her promise(s).
3) Amber, our cat--she was our daughter's cat but was too old to move with them to London.
4) Every one of the kids has stayed with us for from two weeks to six month's. Our favorite plea was "Don't worry about where I will live. I can sleep in my car." He only stayed about a month.

About caring for your new cat:

If she hasn't had a kitten before and especially if neighbor of you have, I would suggest a book, Kittens for Dummies, to help you guys with day-to-day care and loving tips. Right now it is selling for $11.55 at Amazon.com (link).

We use 'clumping' kitty litter and really like it. All the pee collects into a lump about the size of a fritter. Cleaning the box is so easy then, just use a filter-bottomed little sand shovel and lift them out along with the poops.

I hope this helps you a lot,
Dr. Jim
..

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Reader doesn't trust coin dealers

Dear Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim, I have a problem. I have this little suitcase, slightly larger than your ordinary carry-on bag, full of old coins.

My concern is that I don't know where to turn now that I want to redeem them. I just don't trust the coin dealers I have found.

Most of them seem pretty shady, their ads look like an open bid for larceny.

Please, please, Dr. Jim, tell me what to do. I am sure that my coins are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Suspicious in Toronto, Jack

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Dear SiT Jack

I had to laugh a little at your name, Jack. Like you are a "sitting duck," only a "SiTting Jack," for those nasty coin dealers!

Well Jack, I don't blame you for being suspicious. An awfully lot of them will rip you blind. They will underpay you every time. What you want is one who will be a collector for them and who will PAY YOU RETAIL VALUE.

This is the big rip-off in the coin business. You buy high at RETAIL and sell low at WHOLESALE. Then the dealer makes his huge profit, more than half of that rightfully and ethically should be your gain, not his!

The obvious way to change this scenario is to deal with a lady. Then it would now be a 'he' who is ripping you, rather a 'she.' But believe me, those women are even more crafty than the men! They get you coming and going.

So if I were you, I would just keep them. If you need the money and if they really are worth the hundreds of thousands like you think, go to an honest bank (is that an oxymoron ??) and TAKE A LOAN using them as collateral. The bank will want to keep the coins as they do when they give loans on jewelery.

This way you will have your money and spend it too. When you can't repay your loan then go into default. I promise you that you will make more off a deal like this than going to a coin dealer who will rip you off.

Most times the only way to do better is to find an honest and ethical coin dealer. These are hard to find but there are some. Unfortunately I can't figure out how to tell one. They are all wearing sheep's clothing as they say.

Jack, I do hope that I have helped you some.

Dr. Jim


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Husband drinks directly from the serving bottle

Dear Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim, I have a problem. I hope you can help me with it.

My husband drinks from the milk bottle! Don't you think this is totally disgusting? I sure do.

I think really he was doing this before we were married but didn't' do it at first whenever I was watching him. At least his sister said he did.

Again, please help me.

Sterile Lady Agnes in Raleigh

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Dear Agnes

Well Ms. Sterile, I hate to burst your bubble but I have found that most men do this. They also take sips from the wine bottle before putting it in the frig. And some men just go to the refrigerator for a drink that way (like this guy).

One thing you might should agree on is to not drink out of a bottle that will be served to guests not a part of the family. This is for sanitary reasons. But within the family germs are passed around willy-nilly anyway.

You might also tell him in a nice way how it bothers you. That you hadn't seen people doing this before and maybe, would he not do it for your sake. If my wife did ask me to stop like that I probably would.

Perhaps our some of our readers might have ideas on this subject that would help you. Or make you feel better about him doing it.

I hope I have helped some,

Dr. Jim

A gentleman never drinks beer from a bottle at a restaurant, I might add as an etiquette tip (link, see slide # 10). Dr. Jim

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Mother asks: "How to get son out of the house and on his own?"

Dear Dr. Jim

My son lives with us and won't leave for a place of his own. He is thirty-two and I feel he should be on his own.

Dr. Jim, he has a good job and can certainly afford apartment rent and grocery money. He doesn't date so there is no marriage on the scene to get him out of here. And he doesn't like especially other men, if you know what I mean.

Can you tell me how to have him leave. I don't want to hurt his feelings because he is a nice fellow and we still love him as much as we did when he was a baby.

Frustrated Mom in Cincinnati

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Dear Mom

You have to have him leave for his own sake. He needs the experience of being on his own. If he is alone he will have more chance of doing some activity where he might meet a nice lady friend. As long as he is home you are already his friend so why should he take chances on another?

Ask yourself, is it the expense you want shed of or it is that you wish more privacy for yourself. If you are not married then you may need his company. Get a dog when he leaves. There are a lot of abandoned dogs up adoption now-a-days during our recession.

If it is only because of the expense, charge him rent for room and board. Make it a reasonable amount but there is no reason you should be supporting him as he has a job.

Also try to find out why he hasn't left. If he is timid or insecure then you can help him find a nice place and help him learn how to cook and keep house.

If he is stingy, try to find out why he doesn't spend his own money. It may be to 'save up' for a time when he gets married. Then work with him, perhaps offering him a wedding subsidy from the money you will save by not having to keep him.

Although there are many other aspects to consider, I would have liked to have known if you are married. If you are then perhaps your husband has some good thoughts about how to convince him to leave. How does your husband feel about his staying, you didn't say?

Regardless of this, I would recommend that he leave for his own sake. You won't live forever and he should learn to subsist on his own.

Lastly you could do some research in this area. Helium, a nice sounding guide for parenting, has an article called 'How to get your adult child out of the house' (link) which has some good ideas. Some are fairly consistant with my advice here.

I hope this helps, Dr. Jim

One added thought. GET THAT DOG RIGHT NOW. When he leaves you will have still have some company. Keep the dog in his room and he might even get the hint without you being brusk about it.

Dr. Jim


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Why can't our dog do as it pleases? Reader wants to know

Dear Dr. Jim

I have a beef. Our subdivision is now requiring all dogs to be on a leash whenever they are off our own property.

Can they enforce this? My doggie, Fuffo, likes to do as he pleases.

Dogs should be free advocate, Muffie in Redland.

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Dear Muffie

Your question has a simple answer, no. NO.

They only way this could be enforced is if your deed restrictions give the subdivision leaders the authority to do this.

All you have to do is show them that you moved there for the freedom of your dog. And that you have read the deed restrictions which are silent (are you sure they are silent?) about freedom of dogs. And that the deed restrictions don't give them authority to control your dogs.

Then tell them you will sue if they continue to harass you about poor little Fuffo.

Notwithstanding all the above, the county or city will have authority to regulate the conduct of all your dogs off your private property.

Incidentally, I am a dog lover myself. We have a beagle, Adi our hound dog, and a toy poodle named Katrin (she's French). They are basically free but for their own protection we always use a leash when walking them.

I hope this helps you and Fuffo,

Dr. Jim

Read about Adi, our hound dog beagle, here.
Read about Katrin, our French toy poodle, here.


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How to find a lost person -- smitten Ed wants to know

Dear Dr. Jim

I hope I haven't done anything wrong. Yesterday I befriended a lady on the elevator. She was a strange lady to me as I did not know her.

She was also strange in that there was an attraction which I could not account for.

I will call her Ms. Xy. Ms. Xy was acting a little bothered with a worried look on her face. I asked her if she were new in the city. She answered that she was and that was exactly her problem.

Houston, she said, does not have the mass transit she was used to in her city. She had come to our excellent medical center and now after being assured she was in good health she felt all alone with a bunch of cowboys and rednecks. Even the ladies spoke in a crass manner.

Wow, I thought, this is a bag of worms. There is nothing I could help here.

So I didn't try. Instead I asked her if she had visited our Montrose area. She had not been aware of this place so I suggested we visit there a little. We ended up at the Backstreet Cafe for some coffee and pastry.

We both proceeded to enjoy an afternoon of diversion in this trendy area away from the rest of Cowboy City. That evening I dropped her off at the airport and that was the last we saw each other.

This all sounds okay, but the problem is that I have lost her address and e-mail info. I believe it was in the trash I threw out when I cleaned up the car before going into the drugstore that day.

Our arrangement was for me to contact Ms. Xy giving her my address, etc. So all is lost unless you have some ideas.

Smitten by good, then the bad, Ed

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Dear Ed

I do empathize with you. This indeed is a sad predicament as I can can tell you were almost to the point of infatuation with Ms. Xy. Even more so sad if there were two sided, mutual, feelings.

My first bit of advice is to not sit still. Try all of the ideas I am suggesting and be sure to weigh some that readers may suggest. Be careful if you have some ideas of your own. Try sounding them with a confidant before you do anything rash. You don't want to ruin everything.

First, Google her name. You would be overjoyed to see that she comes up on Facebook, MySpace, or has a blog. Often times Google will present a name, phone number, and address.

Next enter her name in Yahoo People search (link). Then try the White Pages (link). Both of these are free although White Pages has a hangup on wanting you to join. I joined but did not furnish my profile. That seems to have ended the hangups. Hopefully she will be trying these ideas herself.

Be thinking of organizations she belongs to, like a church or sorority, or her employer. If you can remember any of these contact them and ask them to leave a message from you to her. Ask her to contact you, explaining with a little fib that you had her phone number (or e-mail) wrong.

Do not ask to speak to her right off as they may get wrong ideas. Better, in the case she might be married or the like, mail her at the work or school, etc, address pleading your case and asking for her numbers again. Or to call you if that would be appropriate.

As a last resort, if you know who her doctor was, ask that they mail your note to her. Be sure to explain everything so they will know that your motives are pure. Under the Privacy Act they cannot give you any information about her.

I hope this helps. Please come here regularly to see readers' ideas as some are pretty good.

Dr. Jim.



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How to drive in the fog is need of newly moved couple

Dear Dr. Jim

For the last several mornings I have woken to find I am the only person who exists in the world. I look out my window and there is nothing beyond my balcony but white. The harbor and the entire town are gone — completely devoured by the fog.

As beautiful as I make this sound, this fog is a terrible nuisance to say the least. Neither of us are used to driving in stuff like this, but we do have to go to work in the morning. Also we have to come home, sometimes after the fog has set in

Dr. Jim, what do you suggest we do? My husband is very macho and just goes out, turns on all the car lights he can (we do have fog lights on one of the cars) and heads out. He drives with one foot just above the brake pedal ready to stop. And he has one hand just above the horn, ready to warn anyone who might even look like he will get in our way.

That isn't my style, I am a timid driver. Some days I can't even pull out of the driveway, I am so afraid a car unseen might be coming along. Other days I just plain stop on the side of the road and cry.

This can't go on, please help us.

Scared Silly in Seattle

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Dear Mrs. SSS

I can help you with this like I have helped all the others.

First off, buy some polarized sun glasses. All you have to do is go to your favorite General Dollar Store. Do not buy the rather inferior $4.00 sun glass, instead get the more expensive six or eight buck ones.

More important however, is the fog adaptation conditioning situation. After a year or two you will fully accept the fog as as necessary and okay to live with coastal experience. I personally have put up with the fog now for 56 years here in the Gulf Coast area.

The biggest concern to you should be to drive defensively in the fog.
1. Always use your low beam headlights. Fog lights too if you have them.
2. Do not attempt to text while driving in the fog.
3. Be aware of other cars that may not have their lights on. It may not have seemed necessary a half mile back for them and now when they are in the fog they have neglected to turn those lights on.
[BEST JUST TURN THEM ON AND LEAVE THEM ON.]
4. Physically turn your head lights on as the regular daytime driving lights do not turn on your tail lights. PARKING LIGHTS ARE NOT SUFFICIENT.
5. Stay home until the fog burns away if possible.
6. Do not ride with anyone you do not trust. Even if they offer candy, liquor, or drugs.
7. Tune your radio to soft music if you can stand it. If that makes you nervous (it does me) tune in a classic rock station if you live close enough to civilization to pick up one of those stations.
8. Pay attention to what your husband tells you.
9. Do not talk back to your husband, he has both your interests at heart.
10. Try to get back home in the evenings before the fog sets in.

These are pretty good ideas for the both of you if your macho hubby will heed them. If he won't, at least you can set a good driver example.

It won't hurt you one bit to cry a little about the frustration. You do need to relieve your tension in some way. Crying and listening to music seem to help.

If you have found friends at your new home, call them on the phone. That gets your mind off the foggy stuff too. Warning, please don't text while driving in the fog. Save that for sunny days.

Hope this helps,
it should,
Dr. Jim


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Overeating man can't control his eating or his car

Dear Dr. Jim

I am having trouble with my car. Could it have a mind of its own?

Every time I pass by a MacDonald's it wants to turn in. Several times it has done that on its own, just drove in and parked.

Most of the time this happens I don't know in advance until we are in the lot, parked.

When I do realize in time to avoid that place the steering wheel often pulls beyond my strength. Then, once more I am parked in the lot.

I could drive back out but I just don't have the will power to do that. So I go in and have a couple of cheeseburgers, fries, and a drink. Most times I finish with a hot fudge sundae since they are on the dollar menu right now.

Please help me, Dr. Jim. I am gaining weight. Things are out of control.

Happy Meal Hank in Freesburg, Virginia

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Dear H M Hank

This is one of those rare occasions where I cannot possibly believe what I am reading. A grown man, I assume, taken over by his car. A machine at that. Machines will not rule.

Having said that, most times I would trash a letter like yours.

However I sense a problem here. It is a genuine call for help. Help for an over-eater.

Please do not delay, but call your local OverEaters Anonymous as soon as possible.

Do not pass go but please pass the MacDonald's. I feel you are stopping at other fast foods as well even though your favorite may be MacDonald's.

Please read about Overeaters Anonymous on their Web site (link). When you are ready click on the top in the header, the "find a meeting" button.

I found twelve meeting locations within 25 miles of my home. They were meeting every day of the week! Even Saturday mornings. At the bottom, in red are these words, "You do NOT have to register to ATTEND any OA meeting."

I hope this helps,

Dr. Jim

And please do take advantage of these Overeating Anonymous people!

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Husband just wants a wife for a house and kid keeper

Dear Dr. Jim

I really hated to write to you but my husband says that I must. He thinks you can help me.

So here is my problem. I just hate to get out of bed in the morning.

Hubby gets up at 5:30 every morning and jumps in the shower. Then he makes himself some breakfast and reads the paper. At 8:30 he heads off to work. On weekends every thing is an hour earlier and then he goes with his buddies all day to play golf.

He wants me to get up with him. I can't see any reason why. All there is for me to do is house and garden work and take care of the kids. I do have a nice outside job in the afternoon.

Sleep Deprived Sally in South Minneapolisville

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Dear Sally

It sounds to me like you don't have a life. Let us figure out how you might get one and stay married. (That may be an oxymoron.) Your situation appears to be more than a sleep problem.

I hate to say it, but it appears that your hubby has done 'family organization' as so many men in this world do, so you aren't alone. Done like in 'done deal.' But you didn't seem to be dealing, rather you were probably passive in this arrangement.

He sees it like this:

His duties are his job, eat, play golf. In that order.

He wants you to do house work, keep the kids. You might be lucky here as a lot of men want cooking and attention for themselves from the wife as well.

Since he had you write to me, then he may be open to this idea. You two sit down and rearrange your whole lives.

Make a general written daily schedule and put time for each other in that.

Next rearrange the activities. He should be doing chores after work, and if he insists on getting up that early he has an hour and a half or so do do chores in the morning, the kind that don't wake the rest of the family up.

In the last half hour of his morning chore time you make breakfast for him, the kids, and you. The kids can eat with you sometimes, others they can eat and run. It is important that at breakfast he have your company rather than the paper. Please do remember those kids can share in the family chores too if they are not already doing this.

In the evening let him prepare meals every other day or so. Regardless of whose turn to make supper, have family time during the meal. I hope the kids will sit down then too but that may be expecting too much. AND NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD ARGUE AT MEAL TIME, save that for someplace else in your schedule.

Remember this is just a start, you two will have to work out more. If things like this seem to give new hope to everyone, keep working on it.

If you can't get anything changed the go see a marriage counselor. Be prepared for divorce, he really isn't married right now, he is just living there having a good life. You then may have to get a full time job but with alimony and child support you will have about two thirds of his paycheck to live on.

I hope this helps and that hubby will cooperate, and that you can start getting more sleep,

Dr. Jim

Some resource reading:

Family chore chart ideas

Cooking for men ideas

Revitalize the marriage ideas


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How to share the family computer -- husband out if now, not of his choosing

Dear Dr. Jim

I sure do need your help. My wife hogs the computer here, and if she lets it loose the kids grab hold.

We can't afford two so mostly I am in the lurch. Once in a while I call in sick so that I can get on the computer during the day.

Other times I throw a fit (it would be a tantrum if I were a kid) about it and they all feel guilty. So then I may get to use it a little until they settle down and start begging with me for THEIR computer.

I really am missing my computer games and visiting with my FaceBook friends.

Please help me, Dr. Jim,

Andy in Andersonville, Arkansas

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Dear Andy (really AAA, huh?)

Well now, you have gotten yourself into a mess, haven't you.

Really now, we could see this coming since you are all bound to just the one computer. Unfortunately you have drawn the short straw and are pretty much left out of the rotation.

Our solution is to get you back into the rotation. You must call a family conference and ANNOUNCE that you also need some prime time computer time.

It would help if Mrs. Andy will support you in this. You can ANNOUNCE to her as well but things will go a lot easier for all if she approves ahead of time.

Here is what you do:

1. Divide the evening hours that you all have into 30-minute segments on a piece of paper. Keep in mind that some of the children may have earlier bed times than others and than you adults.

2. Have everyone write their preferences in time for all the slots, from one (1) to as many as you have in common.

3. Start at square number one and write the names of those who want this early time. Mrs. Andy may not want these early ones if she is going to prepare supper. THIS MAY BE THE TIME WHEN YOU SHARE--FROM HERE ON--IN THE PREPARATION OF MEALS to give her some prime time for reading her e-mails and the like.

4. In a hat, place the name token (that you have made for each) for those desiring this time. If possible let someone who has not wanted this time to draw. The name drawn will get the time.

5. Leave the name just drawn out and put in anyone else whose token is not in from the last drawing. Remove any one's who does not want this time. Let a person who is not in the hat draw. The person who won the last drawing would be good for this.

6. Repeat the process until all slots have names assigned. Easy way to do this, cross out everyone except the winner where they first wrote. You could have a fresh schedule but this leads to problems of one's word against the other about mistakes.

7. Put the all the name tokens back into the hat when it becomes empty. Watch that the distribution of times is equal until the kids start going to bed.

8. Repeat steps 5, 6, and 7 for all the days of the week. Weekends may be on hold until everyone's weekend schedule of activities is firmed up.

Some notes:

It will be obvious that the ones with later bedtimes get more time. Make sure that those with early bed times get their share until they go to bed.

You might want to start a family kitty for another computer. Put in everyone's spare change or a portion of it. Add an assessment of a portion of jobs and allowances, sort of like an income tax. You could have a lawn sale or do all sorts of things to get money.

I did not mention the kid's homework. Give compensation time for when they are not in the drawing because of homework. If some of the homework is to be done on the computer a priority can be had for this. You should watch over to keep them honest (part of their family training) to be doing only homework.

You and Mrs. Andy can each stop in briefly at the library if you pass near one so that you can get e-mail. You probably won't have time to answer, this can be done in your computing time.

A lot of people are doing the previously mentioned e-mail checking at computers at their work. Most firms don't care if privileges are not abused as this activity on company time and resources improves moral.

Hope this has helped you out of your problem, it really was/is a family problem.

Dr. Jim

A Colombo: I purposely referenced the AAA in my greeting because my idea for the solution to the computer time situation is similar to the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) approach to problem drinking.

And you, staying home from work just to play and use the computer. Talk about addictions, you need to think about this one. Dr. Jim

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How to get rid the summer blahs -- Pooped All the Time has a bad case!

Dear Dr. Jim

Oh my, I have just had it. The seven kids cry all day long, my hubby hollers all time, and I cry even more than the kids. This has been going on ever since school got out this spring.

Dr. Jim, I really need your help, I just don't know how to get things straightened out.

Do you think I should run away when everyone is sleeping?

Pooped All the Time, in Cairo, Georgia

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Dear PAT

It sounds to me like you have a very severe case of the summer blahs.

What to do about it?

Running away might be the best for you. You'd be outa' here! Just don't look back, don't call, and move over to Alabama. There even if they find you they can't make you come back and they can't make you pay child support or give back the car and the money and all the stuff you take with you.

But what about the kids? I don't mean for you to take them, only half of your troubles would go away. It sounds like your hubby has a worse case of the summer blahs than you do.

No, what about the kids? Does Hubby holler at them too or just you?

If it is just you he hollers at I would have him seek professional help. The doc/shrink may want you to come too, most do. Then if that doesn't help him, ditch him. Be sure you can get the kids or their life will be miserable left there with that old coot.

If he hollers at the kids too, still he should try the help. If you run away, take the kids with you for their protection. I think they will stop crying over there in Alabama, it is a nice place. Except for their football teams, they play dirty pool (football) and are real bad.

What ever you do, the kids will need professional help as well. I'd say they will be much happier once you are happy but make sure a professional makes that decision.

Get a job over there in Alabama. Here (click, Alabama bad cafes) are some cafes you might want to stay away from in Alabama, eating or working.

A fresh surround is the best for you, with or without the old man.

Hope this helps,

Dr. Jim

Note: I picked Alabama to turn to because it is close, cheap, friendly, and is a fairly safe haven from the law. You are also close to Florida but they aren't cheap at all, their football teams also stink, and their law is archaic and favors men over women.

I like Dothan, Alabama for a medium sized town, Headland for a very friendly small one-horse town.

Doc Jim


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Hank needs help, he can't see (going blind)

Dear Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim, I am having lots of problems. I am getting so I can't see to drive anymore. I live alone and just can't make it to the grocery store, especially at night.

Another thing, the neighbors are all depending on me to get their commodities and make trips to store and post office, etc. I am the one with the truck, most of them can't drive or can't afford cars.

One man near me has a three wheel bicycle and he can go downtown for supplies and even eat at the corner deli. I couldn't see to get there.

I don't know what to do, my kids all live miles and miles away. I dearly love to go to church but am afraid to ask someone to come get me.

Whatever you say I think will work. I have read your advice piece here for a long time. Everything you say seems reasonable. That is unless you are joking a little with someone.

Old blind guy, getting blinder, Hank, in Happytown

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Dear Hank

Please don't put yourself down anymore. There is a lot of good life in the old stud (I say mare for the women reading this).

You just need to figure it out. I have several suggestions, you could choose. Then I will tell you which I would pick.

1. Go live in an inexpensive but nice and clean assisted living. They are set up just for people with the problems like you have. I would suggest a newer city owned facility. I would recommend Oakland, Nebraska. They may have a waiting list.

2. Eat crow and live with the kiddo. If you have a lot, you could stay here and there with some of them. My Dad wouldn't move to Texas so that was out for us and him. We would have enjoyed his company so much.

3. Check yourself in at a nursing home. That isn't often the best because they are set up to handle more critical needs than what you are experiencing.

4. Go on a cruise and find a nice but lonely lady that you get along with. Spread yourself around, very often one will suggest (in a hinting way) that you move in with each other. She could be your eyes you need. You could be a very nice companion that I'll bet she needs;.

These are the best I can come up with for now. Any of them ought to work, you will have to take some initiative for any of them for starts.

Me, I'd go to a nice affordable assisted living home. Get reports from relatives of people who live there, get your kids or you preacher to help you with this.

You will be independent and well cared for. The man-to-woman ratio is generally about one-to-eight at these.

Let me tell you one thing, those women all cluck after the guys who live there. That is an instinctive trait that women have.

Enjoy your changing life, hang in there, and I hope I have helped you,

Jim

Old yes, Hank, you may be an "Old blind guy, getting blinder" but please stop thinking of yourself that way. I don't want you to go pitying yourself. There is enough of that pitying one's self in the world already.

And stop worrying about the neighbors, you will get new friends. Dr. Jim



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Hubby doesn't want to go shopping with his wife -- says wife expects to much of him

Dear Dr. Jim

My wife has unreal expectations from me. I love her company but just listen to this little vignette.

She wants me to go with her shopping for her some new clothes. It isn't the clothes or spending money I object to, but she always does this to me. She drags me along to every little store and several malls.

My feet are wearing out just thinking of all that walking. We go and go and go. I would say an easy five miles in just this one day.

And Dr. Jim, all the ladies trying on those little clothes and dresses look at me like I am a vagrant come in to ogle.

Besides that, this is the time this year for the U.S. Men's Clay Court Championships Matches. I hate to miss even a one of those.

So please can you help me, Please, Please, Please

I.M.P. in Toulouse, NH

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Well Mr. P, I can't feel very sorry for you. You should be grateful your BW (best wife) wants you to go shopping with you. Mine hardly ever invites me.

When she does, I always take plenty of reading material and my lap top. When my feet get tired, I find a bench outside (in your cold and snow, you might have to be inside), sit and read.
When I get tired of reading, I blog. I just love it that we have the Internet free all over the area. That was our first economic stimulus.

You shouldn't waste your time watching tennis. Besides most tennis fans (not the players) develop arthritis of the neck with all that twisting to see from side to side. Even the TV watcher fans get that.

Oh well, there probably isn't much help with you, but give her a break and be a nice little husband once in a while. It might do your marriage good, you can talk in the car and if she will sit with you on the bench, help things still more.

I hope this helps one of you, Dr. Jim

Note: I really don't mind being with and looking at all those women either. I get lots of smiles, winks, and pats. Dr. Jim


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Will the grand kids like his singing -- He is apprehensive

Dear Dr. Jim

Gotta tell you a story Dr. Jim.

In my younger years I was always preparing to sing in the hollow of his hand for at least one of my three sons and two daughters prior to there leaving on LDS missions.

Well one by one each one of them declined my invitation to sing. They are all grown but now I have seven grands probably to turn me down to sing at their farewells one by one.

The first leaves in Ten years, how do I get one of them to let me sing????

Please help here, Dr. Jim.

Worried in the Free U.S.A, Anon

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Dear Anon

This is a good question. A lot of people have similar situations, perhaps not in their singing but in other areas where their children and grand kids lose appreciation for their elders.

Just get another grand kid and catch him/her very young. Probably they don't realize anything is wrong until they age a little and get more experienced with singin'.

Other than that, there is no hope. My relatives, young and old have no love for my singing. They even all laugh when I sing the 'Happy Birthday Song" to them.

I might add this bit, just smile like I do and they will love you for what you are and how you try (yes, your singing as well).

Hope this helps, Dr. Jim

P.S. Mr. Anon, if you meant to not have this posted here please let me know, use the confidential comment link below. And if you did not, please forgive me. Dr. Jim


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Ask Dr. Jim (blog) Favorites, a Top Ten List -- Please vote for yours!

Dear Dr. Jim

I really like your advice column [sic] blog. We talk about it a lot at work around the water cooler and at home over the supper table.

What are your most popular questions asked so far? Since I am a reporter people think I should know that. I would like to know for myself also.

Nosey Newspaper Reporter in Sacramento, Bob

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Dear Bob

Thanks, a lot of people ask me that. Here is the skinny for the week as of today:

No. 1A: Just plain coming to Ask Dr. Jim (blog) without asking a question or seeking a title. These came to read and keep current with the column blog.

No. 1: Sue just wants to be hairy (armpits) -- Husband opposed (link)

No. 2: Her cat pees on the furniture -- reader is "annoyed" (link)

No. 3: "My wife is always late" says husband, "we need to know how to stop being late" (link)

No. 4: How often should he change his underwear (he won't change them) (link)

No. 5: Is his wife always right? (link)

No. 6: Why do Tigers eat and kill? Why do rabbits run? Kate wants a tiger and a rabbit for pets -- they won't cooperate, she knows! (link)

No. 7: Car's idler pulley bearings -- Stupid wife, ignorant husband, have argument about theirs (link)

No. 8: Do earlobes grow with aging? Still young reader is getting worried (link)

No. 9: Recipe for chocolate cake à la Snickers help needed by Ms. Reader in Farawayland (link)

No. 10: How to make rooster stop crowing in the middle of the night, Mr. Seed needs to know (link)

No. 11: Picky husband won't drink milk past its sell by date (link)

There you have it. This list was compiled by counting hits on the entry pages. You can vote for your favorites too, please read the bottom line here.

I threw in an extra, sorta' like a baker's dozen just in case someone doesn't like one of the first ten.

Usually No. 8, about ladies' earlobes growing, is around the top three. Do you think everyone knows this already so we are cutting back on the Googling for this.

Or we might blame it on the economy, people are just plain satisfied with what they have and don't want to spend money on their ears.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Jim

One last item. I would appreciate readers voting (by leaving your comments) on their favorites. I will tabulate this for you in a comment later on.



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Woman suspects husband is gay -- he hangs out with his buddies

Dear Dr. Jim

Dr. Jim, please help me! I need it badly!

My husband sometimes would rather spend time with his buddies than with me. I think he may be gay or turning gay. Could this be the case?

With his buddies he works on cars, plays golf, and does all kinds of activities with those guys. One is especially close I think. He calls every day or two, they even go for coffee at MacDonald's.

We have been married for fifty-five years now and I don't think I can stand what I am seeing.

Scared and left at home in Poughkeepsie, Fran

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Dear Fran

Well, if it helps any it seems to me that your husband is a healthy and well adjusted fellow. Of course that isn't saying he couldn't be gay.

Here is the deal. Most men can't make friends with other guys. Their friends are only women, often just their wives at that. Sociologists say a well adjusted man will have a close buddy. A golfing buddy or card playing friend is typical.

That is easier for women, you probably have a close gossip friend and then perhaps a bridge circle or close coffee group. Most women do, IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU HAD BETTER GET A FRIEND. That is not of the utmost importance for men, but women need women to talk woman talk with.

I would think that after fifty-five years of marriage you would have figured all this out.

One problem is that women tend to be more jealous of their hubbies than most men are vice-versa. My closest friend ('Bill' we'll call him) around the age of twenty was a few years older and married. We worked on a racing car and would take it to the races on Saturday nights. I learned a lot that way.

One day his wife walked out of the house with a suitcase in her hand. When asked where she was headed, she told 'Bill' that since he liked that %$#@&+ car more than he loved her she was leaving. She left and divorced poor Bill.

That wasn't the end. Bill married a very sweet young lady. I should know she was sweet as for a while I hung around her sweet sister some until she got married also.

And we weren't and have never been gay.

For more reading on this subject check this link out. Read especially the third one (was when I looked) entitled Men and Friendship. Check some of these too.

And for goodness sake if you still feel this way about him go seek a professional for help. You pastor can recommend a competent worker.

Hope this helps, Dr. Jim



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Dear Dr. Jim

I heard you are going out of town. Will you be answering all our burgeoning questions while you are gone? Or maybe have a fill in doctor?

If not I will be missing you a lot.

Mary, Weeping for Sadness in Ohio

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Dear Mary WSO,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

and please don't cry. This is my line:

I will be scarce until the end part of January unless we can find a cheap Internet Cafe on the QM2 or in Grenada. It is getting cool here so we had to go. We did get new bathing suits last Sunday.

So check for me every now and once in a while on my Jim's Little Blog or Jim's (other Little Place) where I might could put up a word or two once in a while. This is my final goodbye (for now).

Hope this soothes you somewhat (for sure don't cry),

(and please leave me your comments)

Dr. Jim



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How to make rooster stop crowing in the middle of the night, Mr. Seed needs to know

Dear Dr. Jim

Our neighbors are complaining about our roosters. It seems they don't like the crowing these pets are doing. At least they don't like them to crow in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Seed and I can just sleep right through it and never hear them until they do their 6:30 crows. That is our waking up time. These birds are within a couple of minutes of 6:30 every morning so that is good for us.

The problem here is that we can't teach these birds when to crow and when not to. Roosters are wild in nature and they will crow when they like to crow. I told the neighbor that but he just got more angry.

Please help us with a solution Dr. Jim, you are my last straw.

Hay Seed in Arkansas

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Dear Mr. Seed

I do have some news for you. Good news. Those chickens can be taught.

It would be best for you if you did that because the neighbors told me when I contacted them that they are just about to call the city zoning commission about these problems your roosters are causing.

I have done some research on the matter, it seems that lowering the roof of their cages so they can not hold their heads up high is the best. You will have to buy an alarm clock as the roof will not get any taller at 6:30 than it was at 5:30.

I also found out that roosters crow at lights, the sun in the morning, other lights at night. Before you lower the ceiling try completely darkening their cage at nighttime.

Other suggestions on how to stop them from crowing ranged from using shotguns to eating them.

My idea is like that of training dogs and cats. You should buy a cot and sleep in the chicken pen. Whenever a rooster begins to crow in the middle of the night, tell it to be quiet. You could even throw a shoe. Then leave at 6:30. If the rooster crows when you are gone, then you are on to something. Gradually the roosters will learn not to crow at the times you have stopped them.

This should have helped, I surely hope so. It could be some of the readers can help you some as well. Best wishes on the roosters.

Dr. Jim


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